


i won't ask for much

by prettyoptimistic



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Best Friends to Lovers, College Roommates, F/F, Jealousy, New Years kiss, They're a mess, heechuu soft childhood best friends, heejin's just soft all the time, hyunjin is NOT good at feelings, mistletoe kiss, squint real real hard for some side lipsoul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-05 01:53:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17315855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyoptimistic/pseuds/prettyoptimistic
Summary: heejin takes hyunjin home for the holidays. hyunjin’s not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.orthe extremely belated 2jin christmas/new years au that nobody asked for





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this turned out to be a lot longer than expected.....
> 
> few things to note:  
> 1\. 2jin are in their first year of college, they're roommates  
> 2\. jiwoo is the same age as 2jin  
> 3\. jungeun and jinsol are the same age
> 
>  
> 
> this is the first fic i'm posting on this acc, so please don't be silent readers and feel free to leave a comment or some kudos! 
> 
> I made a twt acc for my fic updates, @prettyoptmistic, if anyone would like to follow for any questions, requests or updates.

“what are your plans for winter break?”

“huh?”

they’re at one of the outside basketball courts on campus, in the middle of december and heejin can see her breath form little clouds in the air as she talks.

she’s wrapped up under layers of fabric and her padded coat, ear muffs and matching gloves on the minute she stepped outside.

and hyunjin, well, hyunjin’s out of her damn mind. she’s got her favourite basketball jersey on, hair tied up in high ponytail and yeah, that’s about it. at least she’s wearing jogging bottoms instead of shorts, heejin will give her that.

no wonder the other girl can’t hear her properly, her ears are definitely about to fall off from frostbite.

heejin shifts on the bench she’s sitting on, watches hyunjin dribble the ball down the court exactly like she’s been doing for the last 20 minutes and repeats, “winter break? are you heading home?”

hyunjin shoots for the hoop, but it misses by a few inches as she watched it bounce off the backboard and then again as it hits the floor.

“oh,” she scratches her neck, “um, actually i was just thinking of staying here.”

“what? why?”

“i don’t know. something different. experience the holidays independently this year.”

heejin’s almost a little offended that the other girl is trying so hard to blatantly lie to her.

the basketball comes rolling in her direction, and she manages to stop it dead with her foot.

hyunjin jogs over, but she’s refusing to meet heejin’s eyes.

“come on, hyun. talk to me.”

“it’s nothing, really.”

heejin knows better than that. but maybe this is a touchy subject, and heaven knows hyunjin’s never been one to open up about things.

“family troubles?” heejin tries cautiously.

there’s a heavy sigh that hyunjin lets out before reaching down to retrieve the ball and hooking it under her right arm. she looks a little defeated, but she’s hiding it well.

“i guess you could say that.”

“why didn’t you tell me?”

heejin’s doing that little pout she knows hyunjin is a sucker for.

“stop that.” the taller girl takes a seat next to her best friend, making sure to playfully bump shoulders on the way down, “it just didn’t seem important. i didn’t want to bother you.”

heejin’s about to defend her role as her best friend and all the things that come with it when hyunjin continues.

“i know i know. it wouldn’t bother you, i can talk to you about anything, my problems are your problems. blah blah blah.”

the smaller girl suppresses a giggle, “real eloquent.”

hyunjin almost laughs too, “you know what i mean. i don’t like talking about that sort of thing unless i have to, and when i have to, you know you’ll be the first person i come to.”

whether it’s from the cold or hyunjin’s words, heejin’s cheeks are pink, and maybe if her ears were actually visible behind her ear muffs, their tips would be pink too.

“yeah okay.” she settles, faux sulking.

hyunjin smiles, big, showing the canine teeth that heejin adores. and of course heejin can’t help but smile back.

hyunjin passes the ball to the girl beside her, jumps to her feet and runs back onto the court. she’s still wearing that goofy smile as she says, “pass it to me!”

“you do remember i’m terrible at sports right?”

she can’t help but let out a nervous chuckle.

“you’re not that bad. now throw it.”

“i haven’t had the chance to warm up yet!”

“pass me the ball, heejin.”

“i can’t feel my hands!”

“heejin throw me the damn ball!”

“FINE!”

heejin’s up off the bench within a split second, throwing the ball towards her friend with strength she didn’t even know she possessed.

it’s a miracle hyunjin even catches the thing, except she does even more than that. she grabs the ball mid air, twists her body to face the basket and aims, all before her feet have even reached the ground.

it’s almost at lightning speed, and all heejin processes next is the basketball sailing smoothly through the hoop in front of hyunjin.

hyunjin turns to her, with a look that says she’s rather impressed with herself.

“we make a pretty good team, huh?”

heejin scoffs, “i mean, you’re welcome. that was clearly a perfect set up.”

“mhmm,” hyunjin hums, “you’re a real professional now.”

she’s ran after the ball and has it bouncing in front of her once again, “why don’t you come join me then? show me what you’re really made of?”

heejin furrows her brows and does the zip of her coat all the way to the top for emphasis, “if you think i’m about to start playing against you and make a fool of myself you’re highly mistaken, and i really wasn’t kidding when i said i can’t feel my hands.”

hyunjin shakes her head, but she’s smiling.

“whatever, coward.”

heejin will absolutely not rise to it, she’s gotten used to hyunjin’s teasing by now. so the other girl just nods, and let’s hyunjin get back to her solo game.

a few minutes pass, with heejin alternating between watching hyunjin move across the court and being fascinated by her own breath as it hits the air.

her attention is back on her best friend when she clears her throat and asks, “why don’t you come home with me for the holidays?”

she hears the clatter of the ball against the hoop’s backboard as it comes back to almost hit it’s thrower square in the face.

hyunjin’s aim was way off.

“what?”

heejin tries her best not to giggle, “come with me. when i go home tomorrow, instead of staying here alone.”

“i don’t know about that.” hyunjin’s a little too quick to dismiss the idea, “i wouldn’t wanna be an inconvenience to you and your family.”

“hyunjin please shut up,” heejin picks the ball up this time and makes her way over to the other girl, “you’re my best friend. quit playing dumb and accept the fact that not only me but the rest of my family would love for you to spend christmas with us whether you like it or not.”

“woah. little harsh.”

heejin hands the ball to hyunjin, but doesn’t let go, so they’ve both got a grip on it between them, tips of their toes almost touching.

“i’m serious, please come.” a batting of her eyelids, “for me?”

hyunjin lets out a sigh, long and deep. _oh boy._

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

so that’s exactly what they do. hyunjin’s always been the type to pack light, so before they know it they’re on the road to heejin’s hometown, a 2 hour long drive away. to spend the next two weeks with heejin. and her family. in heejin’s house.

hyunjin’s sure in for a treat.

 

they arrive in the evening, hyunjin making the decision alone to stop for food halfway. heejin expects nothing less of the girl.

there’s a light snow that’s begun to fall as they pull into the driveway of heejin’s house (things had gotten pretty heated once they entered the neighbourhood, hyunjin’s never been good at following directions and maybe sometimes heejin _does_ have a short temper).

“well, here we are.” heejin says excitedly.

“here we are.” hyunjin repeats, turning off the ignition and letting out a deep breath.

she’s in the middle of unloading their bags from the trunk when a little girl, no taller than heejin’s torso, comes scrambling out of the front door and straight into heejin’s arms.

“heekkie!!!!”

heejin, god love her, stumbles back a few steps with a strained ‘oof’ as the air is practically knocked out of her. from hyunjin’s recollection of heejin and her family, she thinks it’s safe to assume this is her younger sister.

the girl leaps into heejin’s arms, wrapping her legs around her waist like a koala and hands looped behind heejin’s neck.

heejin just about manages to spin her sister round for a few seconds before struggling to lower her to the ground with a grunt.

“you are far too big now to be doing that, heesun.”

“sorry,” her voice is high pitched and squeaky, the complete opposite of heejin’s own, but hyunjin immediately finds it adorable, “i just missed you a lot! and you haven’t been calling as much lately!”

she gives heejin a little smack on the hand, making the girl protest with a whiny ‘hey!!’.

“i’m sorry monkey, college has really been kicking my butt lately. i promise to call more once the new semester starts, okay?”

heesun’s (hyunjin’s thankful heejin called her by her name, because for the life of her she couldn’t remember it) smile almost reaches her ears, and she tugs repeatedly on heejin’s jacket until the older girl leans down and she can plant a kiss on her rosy cheek.

“okay.” she says through her smile. “you really promise?”

“i really really promise.”

she brings her hand to ruffle her sister’s hair and pull her in closer for another hug.

it takes a split second for heejin to remember there’s actually another person in their company, as her gaze falls on hyunjin watching the exchange with what can only be described as adoration in her eyes.

“oh!!! heesun, this is hyunjin!”

heejin nobs her head in hyunjin’s direction, and though she’s never been a shy person, hyunjin can’t help but feel a little flustered already.

“woah…...she’s pretty.” the little girl whispers, except not really, because hyunjin can hear her perfectly.

“yeah, she is.” heejin leans down and whispers back, except again, not exactly doing a good job of it.

hyunjin clears her throat, kicks the dirt around her feet and wishes her mouth wasn’t so dry.

“hey kid,” she tries.

“i’m not a kid!”

she shoots a panicked look at heejin, who offers no help at all and instead returns said look with a ‘so not my problem’ shrug.

“my apologies, _young lady_ ,” it seems to have worked because the girl’s frown turns into a satisfied smile, “think you could help carry these bags inside?”

she gestures to the smallest of their collection, nudging it towards heejin’s sister with her foot, “you definitely seem like you’re strong enough.”

“of course i am.” heesun straightens her back as she walks over to hyunjin, “i’m the strongest girl in my class. even stronger than some of the boys!”

“no way!” hyunjin enthuses, “that’s pretty cool. i had quite the reputation for my strength and skills back in school too.”

“really? do you like sports?”

“love ‘em!”

“are you good at them?”

“of course!”

heesun hesitates and looks at heejin as if for confirmation. heejin can’t help but laugh as she nods her head, “she’s alright.”

hyunjin fakes a gasp of offence, putting her hands over her heart.

“what sports do you play?”

“basketball and soccer!” hyunjin’s really in her element now, “and you? wait no, let me guess…”

hyunjin strokes her chin like she’s pondering something life changing, before concluding, “you seem like a hockey kind of girl.”

she hears a gasp of surprise from the kid in front of her, and that’s as good an indication as any to know that she’s right.

“how did you know?!” heesun’s eyes are glowing.

“i’m just good at these things i guess.” hyunjin finishes with a wink, and heesun runs excitedly back inside the house, heejin’s backpack trailing behind her. she’s shouting something ecstatically that hyunjin can’t quite make out to someone she assumes is heejin’s mother.

said girl is staring in amazement, the type of stare that makes hyunjin’s palms sweat, and hyunjin can’t even manage to keep eye contact with her for more than a few seconds.

“what?” she asks self consciously.

heejin hums softly, corners of her lips turning up, “nothing.”

she grabs her own suitcase from hyunjin’s grasp, elbowing her lightly in the stomach with a “i think she might just like you.”

and hyunjin doesn’t wanna brag, but yeah, she’s pretty proud of herself.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

heejin’s mom is lovely. hyunjin feels a little embarrassed at just how nervous she was to meet her, when in reality the first thing she does is pull hyunjin into a tight bear hug and kiss her cheek.

hyunjin’s a little taken aback of course, but she manages to wrap her arms meekly around the older woman as she hears heejin trying but failing to suppress a giggle from behind her.

“hyunjin!!! it’s lovely to finally meet you.” heejin’s mom coos, wrapping an affectionate arm around hyunjin’s shoulder.

“we’ve heard a lot about you,” hyunjin can’t help but notice the emphasis put on the words _a lot_ , and she side eyes heejin with a smirk, “and from what i’ve just been told by my youngest daughter over here, heejin’s been telling the truth.”

hyunjin’s trying hard to hide her blush, but as she turns to heejin once again, she can’t help but notice the other girl is blushing too. she sees heesun looking between the two, a hint of something mischievous in her eyes, and clears her throat to diffuse the situation.

“mrs jeon,” she begins, her voice a little shaky, “i just wanted to thank you for letting me spend the next couple of weeks with you and your family. i know you didn’t have to agree to it when heejin asked, and 14 days is a long time and you’d never even met me before so, yeah, thanks.”

the three jeon ladies are staring at her with warm expressions, and she dares look at heejin, shrugging with a mouthed _what?._

heejin’s mom wraps her arm around hyunjin again, pulling her in tightly for a side hug, “nonsense! you’re heejin’s best friend, you’re welcome here any time.”

hyunjin’s chest deflates with a sigh of relief.

“oh, and hyunjin dear?”

“yes, ma’am?”

the older woman laughs, making hyunjin a little nervous.

“you can just call me sookyung, sookyung is perfectly fine.”

“ohhh haha,” she’s rubbing the back of her neck with her hand, something she’s always done when she’s nervous. it’s not very subtle, so heejin picks up on it straight away, which is why she’s looking at the other girl now with an encouraging smile, “yeah okay, sure thing.”

heejin gives her a little thumbs up, and hyunjin matches her smile. so okay, maybe this is going a lot better than she thought.

hyunjin sees movement out the corner of her eyes and notices heesun tugging relentlessly on her mother’s apron. she’s complaining about when they’re going to be able to eat, and the woman tries to reason with her with a soft “soon honey, soon.”

“where’s soyeon?” heejin voices.

it’s heesun that replies rather too eagerly, making a kissy face towards heejin, “she’s with her _boyfriend_.”

she sing songs the last word, and hyunjin thinks yeah, she definitely likes this kid already. hyunjin catches heejin rolling her eyes while heesun’s laughing, and can’t help but note the fact that this is exactly what she’s missing in her own family: fun, playfulness, jokes. being an only child had always taken it’s toll on hyunjin, except now maybe she’s just realising the extent of it.

it’s heejin’s deep voice that breaks her out of her thoughts.

“and dad?”

“night shift.” heejin’s mom speaks up this time, with an apologetic smile and tilt of her head. “he’ll be back after midnight.”

heejin just nods her head, “that’s okay. you can meet him tomorrow.”

she’s looking at hyunjin, and it takes the other girl a few seconds to realise that she’s actually talking to her. _great_ , hyunjin thinks, _i have to do all this again tomorrow._

“yay?” she says, not too convincingly. it’s not that she doesn’t want to meet him (throw heejin’s sister into the mix there too), it’s just she’d really rather not go through the stress of meeting even more of heejin’s family all over again, especially when she’s trying so hard to make a good first impression.

heejin is laughing, “he’s not that bad, honestly.”

“she’s right,” heejin’s mom agrees, “her dad’s a big softie underneath it all. i think that’s where heejin gets it from.”

both hyunjin and heesun burst into a fit of laughter, and while the younger sibling is most likely laughing _at_ heejin, hyunjin’s laughing to hide the fact that she finds it so unbelievably cute, just how much of a softie heejin really is.

“i am not soft!” heejin says with a pout, which to be honest, is doing nothing to support her statement.

she crosses her arms to show her protest which again, hyunjin thinks, is only serving to prove her mother’s point right.

“little soft.”

“yeah, just a little.”

“ya big old softie!”

they’re all joining forces to tease heejin now, and it makes hyunjin feel like part of the family already. everybody is laughing, even heejin, with her eyes the shape of little crescent moons. it feels good to join in with them like this, like they’re all comfortable with each other already.

“why don’t you girls go unpack while i’ll get some food really for you. heejin, feel free to show hyunjin around upstairs.” sookyung gives them both a warm smile, “and hyunjin, i’m glad we’ve finally met, don’t feel like a stranger for the next two weeks okay?”

hyunjin blushes a little, because how can this woman who she met no longer than 10 minutes ago, see straight through her already?

she picks up her bag from where she’s dropped it on the floor, gives a soft smile to heejin’s mother with a small “of course.” and playfully sticks her tongue out at heesun, who only returns the gesture just a little more forcefully.

her palms are still sweaty, only now she’s hyper aware of it as heejin grabs her free hand and begins to guide her up the stairs.

if hyunjin were to dig deeper into herself, into her feelings and desires, she’d know the reason this whole thing was making her so damn nervous was because of her longing for approval from everyone around her. something she’d never gotten from her own parents. she focuses on the warmth of heejin’s hand within her own, trying to distract herself from thinking too much, and decides today has been a success.

and hyunjin may not have even met the older sister and father yet, but she thinks things will be just fine.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

“am i, ummm, on the floor?”

heejin’s room is big, or, hyunjin realises, just _a lot_ bigger than her own. it’s still painted bright pink, from when she was a little girl, hyunjin assumes. her bed is pretty large, nothing compared to the single beds they get at college. she has a beanbag in one corner (which hyunjin thinks is pretty cool) and a pile of stuffed animals (mainly bunnies) in the other.

“huh?”

“the floor, am i sleeping on the floor?”

“are you crazy? for two weeks?!” heejin laughs at the other girl’s insane question, “no, we have a guest bedroom ready for you actually, just down the hall.”

hyunjin’s not sure if that’s a relief or a let down.

“oh.”

heejin halts what she’s doing - unpacking her bags, a grey sweatshirt currently in her hands - and gives the other girl a quizzical look.

“oh? you sound a little disappointed?”

“not disappointed,” hyunjin mumbles, fiddling with the strings of her hoodie, “just haven’t slept alone for a long time, that’s all.”

her voice is quiet, like she’s shy, except herself and heejin have been practically glued to the hip since meeting a few months ago and they already know each other inside and out. so why is she getting all flustered?

“we don’t sleep together, hyunjin?” heejin’s got her face scrunched in confusion, and hyunjin just wishes she’d drop it.

hyunjin scoffs, yeah, like she doesn’t know that already, “shut up. i know that. i mean alone like, in a room alone, without a roommate.”

she remembers when she used to hate the idea of having to share space with another person, especially something as personal as a bedroom, hyunjin’s never been the best at human interaction. but things are different now, and she’ll go to the grave denying that it’s purely heejin’s influence.

“oh, well i-” heejin is stuttering a little, “i didn’t really think you’d care all that much.”

she’s stopped unpacking entirely and takes a seat on the edge of her bed. hyunjin can’t help but worry, maybe she’s made heejin think she’s done something wrong by putting her in the guest bedroom.

so she makes sure she’s lightning quick to protest, “no no, it’s fine really.”

“i mean, i guess you could sleep on the floor if you wanted? we have a blow up mattress somewhere, i could try and find it for you?”

“heejin,” she grabs the other girl’s wrists, so now they’re facing each other, their hands almost joined in front of them, “it’s fine. you don’t need to do that. i’m just saying it’ll take some getting use-”

“you could sleep in my bed?”

“-d to.” a beat, and then hyunjin shakes her head like she’s ridding it of everything _but_ that last sentence.

“what was that?” her voice cracks.

“you could sleep in my bed!”

heejin’s eyes are lighting up like she’s just had the best idea ever, while hyunjin’s knees are almost giving way at how absolutely awful-but-also-not-so-awful that idea sounds.

hyunjin’s voice is shaky, which now she thinks about it, has been happening a lot lately, “and where would you sleep?”

“.......in my bed?” heejin’s looking at hyunjin like she’s a little dumb, and honestly hyunjin wouldn’t disagree with her, given how long it’s taken for her brain to actually process what’s going on here.

“oh… _oh.”_ hyunjin deadpans. no other coherent words are coming to her.

“i mean it’s definitely big enough for the both of us.” heejin loosens her grip on hyunjin’s hands (thank god, because her palms were beginning to sweat...again) and craws onto her bed, kneeling excitedly in the center.

“you sleep on this side, i’ll sleep on that side,” she continues, gesturing to said places respectively. “we can put a few pillows down the middle if you want. that way you have your own space but you’re not alone, right?”

hyunjin tries to think about it, really she does, but the idea of spending the next 14 nights with heejin, technically but not really sharing a bed with each other, being _that_ close to the other girl but not being able to touch? yeah, hyunjin’s almost certain she wouldn’t survive.

she coughs, clearing her throat, and thinks of a way to say her next words without hurting heejin’s feelings.

“actually, heejin. i’m good.” she certainly doesn’t miss the look of hurt that flashes over the other girl’s face in that instant, as she deflates onto the bed.

“i appreciate the effort, really,” a nervous laugh, “but i’m a kicker and well, i just don’t want to hurt you while you’re trying to sleep. one of the cons of being such an avid sports player i guess.”

hyunjin takes a gulp, while heejin’s still silent, and though it’s only subtle, hyunjin can see she’s pouting a little. she’s seen many of those in their time as being friends, only they’ve never actively been caused by her.

“aww _heekkie_ ,” she tries the nickname she heard from heesun before, hoping it’ll add some humour to the room, god knows hyunjin couldn’t live with herself knowing she’d made heejin upset, “are you going to miss me?”

heejin has never been one to back down from hyunjin’s teasing, if they have one thing in common it’s their competitiveness, but hyunjin is still relieved when the other girl gets a familiar twinkle in her eye and cracks a smile.

she reaches for the pillow in her lap and swings at hyunjin, “shut up!!!”

well, hyunjin has to admit, heejin’s got a lot of upper body strength for such a petite girl. the pillow hits her square around the head, and she curls herself into a ball on the ground for protection as heejin continues her assault.

“okay, okay! i surrender!” she raises her hands up in defeat, but heejin isn’t giving up. “hey!! i said you win idiot now stop!”

finally heejin stops, probably because she’s so out of breath from laughing too much. she throws the pillow back onto her bed and extends her hand for hyunjin to pull herself up, the girl below her eyeing her suspiciously.

once upright again, hyunjin rubs the back of her head, putting on her best set of puppy dog eyes as she stares at heejin, “ow.”

“yeah well, you deserved it.” heejin defends herself, nudging one of hyunjin’s shoulders gently.

“i’m sorry.”

hyunjin brushes off her clothes, straightening them out again, and then reaches for her bags on the floor, “heejin?”

the other girl had started up her own unpacking again, “hmmm?”

hyunjin gives her a warm smile, one that heejin knows is genuine by the way her eyes scrunch together, “thank you though, for the offer at least.”

heejin returns her smile, walking over to her closet and hanging up some of her tshirts and blouses, she’s blushing a little, but even she doesn’t know why, “it’s no problem.”

hyunjin throws the bag over her shoulder, edges towards the door before turning to heejin once again, “show me to my room?”

“sure thing.” she disregards the rest of her clothes and moves towards her friend, picking up hyunjin’s backpack and hooking it onto her arm with a soft expression that hyunjin is familiar with. “and then we can go downstairs and grab something to eat?”

call her predictable, but hyunjin’s eyes light up at the mention of food, heejin knows her pretty well.

“absolutely!” she says almost too enthusiastically.

hyunjin watches heejin as she leads the way, and yeah, maybe she stares at her for a lot longer than what’s necessary, a little too longingly than what can be classed as ‘platonic’. but hyunjin doesn’t mind, she’s been at peace with her feelings for a while now, and for nights spent wishing for them to go away, only to have them come even stronger than before the next morning, then so be it.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

she meets jiwoo on their second full day, a girl with the biggest and brightest smile hyunjin’s ever seen, after heejin of course.

hyunjin wonders how her and heejin even get along, let alone become best friends, if this is who heejin spent her time with for the majority of her life. if hyunjin thought her and heejin were pretty different, well her and jiwoo must be polar opposites. she’s all big smiles, happy dances and soft cuddles, pretty much like heejin, now that she thinks about it. but where heejin is subtle, jiwoo doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. and to be honest, hyunjin assumes she’d hate it, how one person can be so energetic and cheerful all the time, but jiwoo’s more than alright, and just like all of the people in heejin’s life hyunjin has met so far, she likes her already. they’re sat at a local café heejin had deemed ‘one of her favourite places in the world’, and after meeting up with jiwoo, the girl had squealed excitedly once heejin had told her where they were going. their food had just arrived (hyunjin had ordered waffles, via heejin’s enthusiastic recommendation), so hyunjin digs right in.

she’s not proud to admit it, but heejin and jiwoo talk _a lot_ , and the food in front of her is way more appealing, so at some point in their conversation she zones out. that is until jiwoo says something that catches her attention.

“so heejin, are you going to jungeun’s party on christmas day?”

hyunjin’s ears prickle at the unfamiliar name, almost like a dog’s, and she stops eating her 2nd waffle to question, “jungeun?”

jiwoo gives her a funny look that hyunjin can’t quite decipher, but then the other girl looks to heejin, and her mouth almost forms a perfect ‘o’ shape.

“umm, yeah,” heejin begins, seeming a little nervous, she’s swirling her straw around in her pink lemonade as she continues, “jungeun. my ex girlfriend.”

and with that, hyunjin almost chokes on her milkshake. _her WHAT?_

“your ex what?” she manages to croak out while trying to get her choking under control. did she just hear the other girl correctly? why is this the first time she’s hearing about this?

jiwoo is frowning now, looking a little worried, “you haven’t told her?”

“no, i just-”

“she was a big part of your life heejin.”

“i know that, jiwoo. i-”

“you can’t just pretend it never happened.”

“i’m not!” heejin raises her voice, and it’s a shock to all three girls. jiwoo and heejin are staring at each other, like neither can believe the latter just got semi-angry.

hyunjin clears her throat, loud and clear for the other two to hear. “can somebody tell me what’s going on here?”

that seems to do the trick, because both girls snap out of it and their faces soften. heejin lets out a laugh, though it still seems a little nervous.

“i feel like i’ve said something i shouldn’t have.” jiwoo frowns, with a pout that isn’t dissimilar to heejin’s. she’s far too cute, hyunjin thinks, and even thought she isn’t mad with jiwoo directly, it’s hard to remember what exactly has her twisting in knots inside of her. thank god jiwoo’s adorableness is so distracting.

“no no, it’s fine,” heejin’s speaks, turning to hyunjin, “hyun, i guess it just never came up.”

she nods her head in understanding, except she doesn’t quite understand at all actually. heejin knows everything about hyunjin, hyunjin thinks there really isn’t even one detail, even the dumbest thing like her favourite ice cream flavour, that she hasn’t told heejin.

it’s like her brain’s on overload, rethinking the past few months, that maybe her and heejin aren’t as close as it seems.

“how long were you two together?” hyujin asks, but isn’t sure whether she actually wants to hear the answer to that question.

the girl beside her seems reluctant to share this information, she’s still messing with that damn straw, and chewing on her bottom lip, “just a little under two years i think.”

“TWO YEARS?!?”

so okay, maybe hyunjin isn’t the best at hiding her emotions. which is why she never lets herself feel much in the first place. being cut off from her feelings is better than being like _this._

heejin reaches for the hand hyunjin has resting on the table, but hyunjin manages to pull away before she can make contact.

“hyunjin.” heejin is eyeing her, trying to read her.

“heejin.” she mirrors.

heejin juts her bottom lip out, scrunches her eyebrows together and her eyes do this thing where they’re almost shimmering, “please don’t be mad at me.”

“i’m not looking at you while you’re doing that.”

hyunjin crosses her arms and faces forward. refusing to give in to heejin’s weak (or maybe not) attempt at winning the other girl over with her cuteness. she’s grabbed onto hyunjin’s arm and is shaking her back and forth, whining a long ‘pleaseeeeeee’. and if heejin thinks hyunjin’s going to surrender that easily, she can think again.

or, maybe not.

“okay fine.” she rolls her eyes, more at herself for being such a sucker for heejin than at the other girl, “but i’m still a little upset you’ve never told me this before. and even now i had to found out from someone else.”

jiwoo shoots them both an apologetic look, heejin returning it with a half smile that says ‘it’s not your fault’. hyunjin doesn’t want jiwoo to feel bad, really, but it stings a little to realise there might be other people who know heejin better than her, to no fault of her own.

heejin succeeds in grabbing her hand this time, gently rubbing her thumb against hyunjin’s own, “i’m sorry. it’s not that i didn’t feel like i could tell you, i just, didn’t want to? please don’t take it the wrong way, hyun.”

and really, what else can hyunjin do but smile at her best friend? and tell her that’s it’s okay, that she forgives her.

she notices jiwoo nodding rather profusely at her, before she says, “jungeun hurt her a lot. the state she was in after she broke up with her, well i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

hyunjin can’t help but laugh at that, because come on, there’s no way someone like jiwoo could have enemies anyway.

the older girl blushes a little before she continues, “what i’m saying is, it’s understandable for her to not want to talk about it, right? the only reason i know about it is because i lived through it with her. don’t be mad at heejin, please?”

the similarities between jiwoo and heejin are far too uncanny, hyunjin notices, as jiwoo pouts her lip the exact same way when she’s asking for something.

“i’m not mad,” hyunjin breathes out, “i promise.”

“well good! i’m glad that’s out the way!” jiwoo chirps.

things resume as normal for about 30 seconds, the three girls digging back into their food that was slowly getting colder. not that hyunjin was still hung up on the whole ex thing, but thank god this food was good enough to distract her.

she’s just taking the last sip of her milkshake when jiwoo speaks up again.

“actually, let me know if i’m overstepping here but…...do you guys still wanna come?”

“huh?”

“to the party.”

“oh right!” heejin says, turning to hyunjin, “hyunjin?”

hyunjin pretends to ponder it for a few seconds, but really, she knows she’s going to say yes. “i guess i’m not totally opposed to the idea.”

“perfect!!!” jiwoo practically sequels, and both heejin and hyunjin giggle at the girl, “it’s going to be so much fun!”

 _well, it’s definitely going to be something,_ hyunjin thinks.

 

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

she hates to admit it, but saying bye to jiwoo was harder than expected. hyunjin hadn’t realised how much the girl was rubbing off on her already, and when the time came to say goodbye (far too quickly, by the way), she couldn’t help but feel the mood drop significantly.

jiwoo hugged her, multiple times, pleasantly surprising hyunjin when she told her she gave great hugs. she’d looked at heejin for confirmation (anything to get a compliment out of the other girl), who chuckled and reluctantly agreed.

she’d shouted to the both of them as she walked away, something about making sure to not catch a cold and keeping warm until they see her again on christmas day, before she was gone, leaving the two of them alone.

hyunjin doesn’t want to say things felt different between them, so to speak, but something was definitely off. while she might not be the best at reading heejin sometimes (there’s just something about that girl that hyunjin can’t quite seem to decode), by now she knows the basic telltale signs of when something is bothering her best friend.

but hyunjin has never been the bold type, and so she doesn’t bring it up. and though they walk home practically in silence, heejin intertwines hyunjin’s hand within her own, and gives it a little squeeze.

if this is heejin’s gesture to let hyunjin know things are okay, then she’s perfectly fine with that.

it’s not until hours later, when they’re done watching heejin’s favourite christmas movie and have said their good nights, that hyunjin starts to overthink again.

and it’s dumb really, because she’s only creating more problems for herself. she’s fluctuating between being upset over heejin not telling her a pretty significant detail of her life before meeting her, and feeling that ugly twist of her stomach at the thought of heejin having a girlfriend, a girlfriend who isn’t her.

which again, is crazy, because she isn’t even her girlfriend now, never has been.

she picks up her phone, sees the screen light up to say 01:23am, and thinks _fuck it._

hyunjin opens the messaging app, types out her question and presses send before she can regret it.

 **[hyunjin, 01:23am]** \- _why didn’t you tell me about jungeun, really?_

she knows the other girl is still awake, heejin always has problems sleeping after a busy day. it’s why most nights at college are spent with them talking about everything and nothing until early hours in the morning. sometimes hyunjin isn’t even paying attention, just listening to the way the whispers of heejin’s deep voice travel through the air.

still, the seconds that pass by feel like hours as hyunjin waits for a reply.

**[heejin, 01:24am]** _i told you, i didn’t want to_

**[hyunjin, 01:24am]** _but why?_

**[heejin, 01:24am]** _hyun, i love u, but can u please just drop it?_

okay, maybe hyunjin’s heart skips a beat, but they say they love each other all the time, and this time is no different than the rest.

she thinks about replying with a simple ‘okay’, but that’ll never get her the answers she needs.

**[hyunjin, 01:26am]** _did i do something wrong?_

**[heejin, 01:26am]** _god no_

_look_

_i just didn’t want you to find out_

**[hyunjin, 01:27am]** _what? why?_

**[heejin, 01:28am]** _idk, i can’t explain it_

**[hyunjin, 01:28am]** _try? maybe?_

this reply takes heejin a little longer, and hyunjin wonders is she’s just gone to sleep.

**[heejin, 01:31am]** _jungeun is my past. that part of my life is over with, right? and things between me and jungeun are fine now, i know that. i’d just rather not bring up things like that when i’m trying to focus on the present, with you._

**[hyunjin, 01:31am]** _but you’ve told me about your past before._

_about high school, about jiwoo, yerim and yeojin those two kids you used to babysit._

_what’s different?_

**[heejin, 01:32am]** _but those are all good memories, not bad. they’re things i wanna share with u_

_singing, hyejoo and chaewon back at college, you. that’s my future hyun. i just don’t wanna look back when i can be looking forward_

jesus, heejin really does have a way with words. and though she’s in that room alone, lying in the dark, hyunjin blushes.

they’re texting, when they’re literally a wall apart, but thank god, because if hyunjin was having this conversation face to face, she’d be a mess.

**[hyunjin, 01:35am]** _oh, okay_

**[heejin, 01:35am]** _satisfied now?_

**[hyunjin, 01:36am]** _a little_

_goodnight heejin :)_

and with that she slides her phone under her pillow, and falls asleep with the little hope that not everything is as bad as she wants to believe.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

it’s christmas day when hyunjin realises heejin’s family is everything hers isn’t. she gets woken up by heesun jumping excitedly on her bed, with heejin and even soyeon (she’d met the eldest daughter the day after her arrival, hitting it off right away, they’re pretty similar in personality) standing against the door frame.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS HYUNJINNIEEE!” the young girl screams.

“what time is it?” hyunjin groans, her brain is barely functioning properly, and she can’t quite manage to open both eyes fully yet.

“it’s 8 o’clock.” she hears heejin’s voice from the doorway, smirking at her.

hyunjin almost growls, and grabs a pillow to put over her head, “in the morning?!?!”

she’s a little annoyed by all the laughter she hears, but it’s christmas morning, so she’ll let it slide. christmas was never let like at home, most years her father was never there, her mother wouldn’t be awake until late afternoon, and hyunjin would have to open her presents (the small amount her parents had managed to get her) alone.

so yes, even if she’s being woken up at ungodly hours, this is nice.

heejin moves from the door and throws the sheets back, much to hyunjin’s protest, “come on sleepy head. we need to see if santa’s been!”

she hears heesun clap her hands and start chanting something about a new hockey stick, and she can’t help but smile. heejin sits on the edge of her bed, successfully grabs both of hyunjin’s hands (despite how hard hyunjin tried to avoid her) and pulls her into an upright position.

hyunjin’s got a horrible case of a bed hair, her breath probably doesn’t smell too pleasant, and she’s pretty sure she’s still incapable of opening her left eye. but heejin is right in front of her, faces only inches apart.

“hey.” she says shyly.

heejin is beaming from ear to ear, “hi.”

hyunjin can’t seem to keep eye contact, so she diverts her eyes to anywhere but heejin’s face. she’s almost sure she’s blushing, but heesun and soyeon are now play fighting in the hallway, and she’s hoping to god heejin didn’t notice.

“let’s go downstairs?” heejin says.

“mhmm,” it’s more of a squeak than an agreement, “sure thing.”

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

heejin’s parents are already waiting downstairs, and before hyunjin even realises it their presents have been opened. heesun had gotten the most, of course, everything varying from that hockey stick she so desperately wanted to her favourite princesses’ costume dresses. this kid is versatile, hyunjin admires that.

soyeon may have only gotten one gift, but damn was it a big one. her parents had bought her a car (her first one) and the look on her face was priceless. that is until mr. jeon told her she had to share it with heejin once she learnt to drive.

hyunjin remembers heejin had been begging for a new laptop since september, something more functional to complete her assignments on, and lo and behold, that’s exactly what she got.

it’s not that hyunjin was envious, or even just a little jealous, she just wished things could have been different for her and her own family. but she’s happy for heejin, it’s what she deserves.

what makes hyujin tear up and get a lump in her throat, is when heesun comes barrelling down the stairs (hyunjin assumes she’d gone up there to play with her new toys) with a wrapped box in her hand.

she runs over to hyunjin, almost falling as she makes an abrupt stop. and hands her the gift with a “hohoho! merry christmas!”

hyunjin’s laughs, points at herself and mouths ‘ _for me?_ ’

heesun nods while giggling, and hyunjin dives right into unpacking. inside the box are three things, first hyunjin notices the basketball sneakers, black with red lining. next is the soccer goal keeper gloves, the same color as their college soccer team. lastly, it’s a white box which she opens with ease, inside it is a necklace, a silver chain with an orange crystal pendant.

“it’s from all of us.” heejin’s mom says, “well, the necklace is from heejin.”

“it’s one of your star sign gemstones,” heejin explains, “topaz, i think.”

hyunjin actually chokes up a little, “woah thank you heejin, it’s beautiful.”

“it’s no worries, i’m glad you like it.”

“i love it,” if she wasn’t so captivated by the gifts in front of her, maybe hyunjin would’ve been a little embarrassed about how high her voice was, trying to hold back tears, “really.”

heejin’s looking at her lovingly, has been for the past few minutes, so when hyunjin looks up and meets her eyes she blushes, and gives her an appreciative smile. the other girl leaps up, picks the box out of hyunjin’s lap and replaces it with her own body.

she wraps her arms around hyunjin’s neck and engulfs her in one of her trademark hugs: tight, warm and comforting. when heejin leans back, she plants a kiss, only short and light, on hyunjin’s already blushing cheeks.

“happy christmas.” heejin singsongs.

heejin jumps up once again, manages to push heesun playfully in the process, and bounds into the kitchen.

“let’s eat some good ass food!!!” clearly she’s in a great mood.

the rest of the family piles into the kitchen, but hyunjin stays seated for a little while longer. she sits, and thinks, maybe a little too much, but without being too optimistic (it is only 10am afterall) this might be the best christmas she’s ever had.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

and then it’s time for the party. hyunjin’s experiencing a mix of emotions, from nervousness to excitement, but overall she just feels sick.

hyunjin, heejin and jiwoo arrive together, right on time, and hyunjin doesn’t know why she’s standing at the doorway totally unprepared. because when the door opens, there jungeun is, and goddamnit, she’s beautiful. of course she is.

her hair is blonde (though hyunjin can tell it’s dyed), her skin is flawless, and shit, she really does have a cute smile. she greets jiwoo with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, tells hyunjin it’s a pleasure to meet her, adding that the necklace she’s wearing is lovely and sticks her hand out shyly for heejin to shake. heejin just pulls her in for a hug, a way to let her know it’s been months, and though it hurt at first, there’s no hard feelings anymore.

for the laws of best friends and their exs, hyunjin will try to hate this girl, but that might not turn out too well.

“there’s a few people here already. probably some people you know and others you don’t,” jungeun says, gesturing for the three girls to enter her house before her, “ooo! heejin, hyunjin, you guys can meet jinsol. she moved here just after you left heejin, she works at the convenience store with jiwoo. you’re going to love her!”

it might’ve only been a few minutes, but damn hyunjin can guess that jungeun talks a lot. she imagines how long hers and jiwoo’s conversations must last for, and shivers.

jungeun’s house is fairly large, big enough to host a party like this and not feel too cramped. there’s a few people outside (hyunjin thinks they’re crazy) but maybe they’re drunk enough already that their bodies are numb to the cold.

hyunjin spots another blonde, hair pretty similar to jungeun’s, talking to a few guys in the kitchen, which apparently, is exactly where they’re heading right now.

jiwoo gives a little squeal, while jungeun begins the introductions.

“heejin, hyunjin, i’d like you to meet jinsol,” jungeun’s smile is big and wide, “jinsol, this is heejin and hyunjin.”

jinsol directs a little wave to both of the girls, and hyunjin thinks again that this girl is real pretty. _damn, what it is with girls being absolutely flawless in this town?!_

“hey,” she says, “heejin, heard a lot about you.”

heejin blushes, embarrassed, but this was to be expected. she’s jungeun’s ex-girlfriend, and from the looks of it jinsol and jungeun are pretty close, so word was bound to get around. jungeun’s giving jinsol as if to say _why did you say that?_ and jinsol is quick to reassure heejin.

“nothing too bad, of course. jiwoo talks about you like you’re some saint, and for an ex, jungeun is pretty complimentary.”

“oh?” heejin croaks, “well, thanks. i guess.”

jinsol smiles at her and turns to hyunjin, “hyunjin, right? i’m sorry hyunjin, haven’t really heard much about you.”

hyunjin can’t help but burst into laughter, this girl sure is pretty straight forward. she sees the smirk on jinsol’s face, who looks pretty impressed with the fact that she just made this stranger laught!within their first few seconds of meeting.

“don’t worry about it, blondie no.2,” hyunjin quips, “i’m heejin’s friend from college, just here spending the holidays with her.”

“oh, interesting,” jinsol replies, “well cool, nice to meet you.”

and then they’re all getting their drinks. hyunjin’s never been a drinker, too focussed on her health for sport, so she goes for a beer straight out the bottle. jinsol suggests they do shots, but it’s far too early in the night for that.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

it’s not that the party’s boring, so to speak, but hyunjin doesn’t know many people here (make that a total of 4 people she _does_ know, if you can even include jungeun and jinsol) and everybody seems pretty into doing their own drunken thing.

even jiwoo and heejin have been dragged to the other side of the room, to play a some game hyunjin doesn’t remember the name of. hyunjin has been left with jinsol, which she doesn’t exact mind. the girl definitely doesn’t seem to talk as much as jiwoo or jungeun, and things aren’t awkward between them, which is a positive.

they’ve been keeping up a casual conversation for a while now (hyunjin finds out jinsol is majoring in biology at the same college as jungeun and jiwoo, and that she likes watching sports but not playing), but she’s slowly starting to zone out.

she can’t help but stare at heejin across the room, playing this game like she has no care in the world. she throws her head back and laughs, hyunjin can hear it even despite the distance between them, and her stomach flips in that way it usually does when the other girl does something, anything really.

it’s okay when it’s like this, when heejin is oblivious, when hyunjin can get away with looking at the other girl like she holds the stars in her eyes, or, almost get away with.

“so, heejin huh?” even by the tone of her voice hyunjin can tell jinsol’s smirking.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“oh come on,” she laughs, “are you really going to try to deny it?”

if hyunjin is anything, it’s stubborn, “deny what?”

jinsol turns to face her, their shoulders almost touching, “i’ve known you for 20 minutes, hyunjin. it’s really not hard to miss the way you’re staring at her right now. which by the way, kinda creepy.”

hyunjin’s face reddens, and she takes a sip, well, a gulp, of her drink to give herself a second or two to think.

“was it that obvious?”

the blonde stares at her, gives her a ‘duh’ type of expression and says, “you really don’t know the meaning of the word subtle do you?”

hyunjin groans, burying her head into jinsol’s left shoulder with a muffled and prolonged, “shut uppppppp.”

she’s laughing again, a hearty, proper laugh and brings her hand up to pat hyunjin’s head sympathetically. “don’t be embarrassed, it’s kinda cute actually.”

“cute?” hyunjin whines, “easy for you to say, you’re not the one tragically in love with your best friend.”

jinsol doesn’t reply to that, avoids it completely actually and instead takes several sips of her own drink. hyunjin thinks maybe jinsol’s been distracted by something happening around them, so she’s lifts herself from jinsol’s shoulder and wipes the hair from around her face.

when she pulls her head back, she sees jinsol looking at the exact same place that she was only moments before. except jinsol’s not staring at heejin. it’s somebody else who’s caught her attention. _very interesting._

“so,” hyunjin draws out, “jungeun huh?”

jinsol almost chokes back her drink. she clears her throat, looks at hyunjin with scrunched eyebrows and shakes her head.

“touché.”

“hey,” hyunjin says, “looks like we’re in the same boat then.”

she raises her drink to jinsol, who laughs and clinks them together, both girls letting out a cheerful but somewhat sad ‘cheers!’.

they go back to normal conversation pretty quickly. some more facts about jinsol than hyunjin finds out: her favourite color is blue, she has a dog named stitch, she’s been learning piano for a little over 10 years.

they have a pretty similar sense of humor, so she finds herself laughing more than she’d like to admit. she’s leaning against the kitchen counter now, facing jinsol, her back to the antics behind them that her best friend is involved in.

hyunjin’s actually fairly enjoying herself. until she’s not.

“ummm, hyunjin?” jinsol’s voice is cautious, and she actually sounds like she’s about to throw up, “i think you’re gonna wanna turn around. or, you know, maybe not.”

so she does. and it’s safe to say, arguably one of the biggest mistakes of her life. because there’s heejin. and jungeun. and mistletoe. and yep, that’s exactly where this is going.

there’s coos and cheers from the people around them, the dumb guy holding the mistletoe in between them looking extra excited, jiwoo is sat beside heejin looking a little concerned. at least that’s another person who’s not fucking loving this. heejin’s cheeks are already a little pink, and they haven’t even kissed yet. except wait, it’s happening now, as jungeun locks her hands around heejin’s neck and heejin closes her eyes and _oh fuck_ hyunjin’s about to throw up.

hyunjin hears ringing in her ears and the sickly flip of her stomach, and as their lips touch, feels jinsol grab her hand tightly, squeezing like her life depends on it. hyunjin’s not sure why she hasn’t looked away yet, but her eyes are glued to the scene. call her a masochist or whatever.

she sees their lips move against each other, and god, hyunjin doesn’t know whether to be absolutely furious or heartbroken. she’s pretty good at multitasking, so in that moment, she allows herself to feel both.

the two girls finally pull apart, but it feels like it’s been forever. she feels jinsol let go of her hand, as heejin removes her hand from jungeun’s cheek. hyunjin’s watching her best friend and her ex like a hawk, but both girls just end up laughing

jiwoo catches hyunjin’s eye, and for some reason hyunjin feels like she’s be caught doing something she shouldn’t. she turns back to jinsol, her whole body feeling like it’s forgotten how to function, and shakes her head apologetically.

“i gotta go, i-” she begins, setting her bottle down on the counter beside her.

jinsol’s attempt at keeping hyunjin at bay fails, as the other girl’s hand slips through her fingers. she looks at her, looks directly at her, and it’s devastating how their expressions are almost mirrored.

“i can’t, jinsol.”

and with that, she’s gone, bounding up the stairs to find an escape, some peace and quiet, anything to stop this shouting in her brain and pounding in her chest.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

the world has most definitely stopped spinning, hyunjin thinks. well, her world at least.

she’s lying on a bed, it could be jungeun’s for all she knows, hoping the promise of sleep can stop her mind from going into overdrive. which is dumb really, because when she closes her eyes, all she’s capable of seeing is that damn kiss. the way their lips slotted perfectly over each other, jungeun’s hand tangling itself in heejin’s hair. heejin was into that kiss. heejin was _definitely_ into that kiss.

she realises she’s driving herself insane, it’s her own fault, but somehow she can’t seem to stop.

hyunjin’s actually managed to semi-successfully zone out when she hears a knock on the door. she pulls herself upright, lets out a deep sigh and is about to question who it is when the voice on the other side says, “hyun? are you in there?”

_heejin._

oh god, it’s heejin. probably the last person she wants to see right now. she’s contemplating just ignoring her, the other girl doesn’t know she’s in here, but something at the back of her mind is telling her to face her problems.

heejin is her best friend, and the other girl doesn’t even know she’s done something wrong. again, it’s hyunjin’s fault really.

“uh, yeah it’s me. come in.”

heejin enters the room almost frantically, face filled with relief as she spots hyunjin on the bed, “oh thank god. where were you? i’ve been looking for you. i’d thought you’d left and gone home without me.”

and damn it, hyunjin actually feels regretful that she just left heejin like that without telling her where she was going.

“i’m sorry. i just needed a little space i guess, place was getting a little too crowded for my liking.”

“well are you okay? you look like you’re ready to pass out.”

“one can only hope,” hyunjin mutters, hoping heejin can’t quite make out what she said.

heejin walks almost tentatively the rest of the way into the room, and joins hyunjin at the edge of the bed, they sit side by side for a few seconds in silence, and hyunjin doesn’t want to be pessimistic, but the air seems awkward and full of tension. but again, that could just be her.

it’s like heejin doesn’t know how to talk to the girl, which is surprising because these two could talk about anything together, and hyunjin wishes she could keep her own damn mouth shut (she’s never been the type of person to bring stuff up like this, so why now?) because the next thing she knows she’s letting out a held breath and asking,

“so, you kissed jungeun?”

heejin looks a little taken aback, her eyes wide as she bites her lip.

“you saw that huh?”

“pretty hard to miss, you guys kinda took centre stage.”

the other girl groans, loud, and buries her head in her hands. it’s funny to hyunjin, how heejin seems so deeply embarrassed when she was fully committed to the act about an hour ago. _calm down hyunjin, it’s not technically her fault._

“i don’t know why i did it, we were playing truth or dare and of course jungeun had to choose dare, then jonghoon was between us holding this piece of mistletoe and i don’t know. everyone was cheering us on and i was feeling a little tipsy anyway so i just went for it.”

she runs her hand through her hair, which makes her look ethereal, hyunjin notes, but that’s so beside the point right now.

“i’m sorry.” heejin continues.

hyunjin laughs, but it’s too loud and too short to be genuine, “what are you apologising for?”

“that, i also do not know.”

hyunjin nods, closes her eyes and tries to ignore what her brain is telling her, _shouting_ at her. she tries to control her breathing, leans back on her hands against the bed and just focuses on the beating of her heart, which miraculously has managed to calm itself down.

this silence between them is far too loud. there’s the voice of reason at the back of her mind, telling her to get up, leave, take heejin’s hand and go back downstairs to enjoy what’s left of this party.

obviously, she’s ignoring that voice.

“that whole speech you gave me the other night, about jungeun being in the past, that was all bullshit right?”

heejin looks offended, and a little hurt, “what?! hyun, no, of course not.”

“then make this make sense heejin. you don’t kiss someone like that and not mean it.”

“but i didn’t mean it! hyunjin listen to me-”

“do i have to?”

heejin gives her a light pinch on the thigh, telling her yes, she damn well does have to listen to her. “we were playing a stupid game, okay? what was i supposed to do, say no? it would have been weirder for me to refuse and not kiss her.”

this is completely bullshit, hyunjin thinks, leaping up from the bed with a frustrated moan.

“she’s your ex-girlfriend!”

“i know that and i also know that i’m over her! things between me and jungeun are good now,” heejin is interrupted by hyunjin scoffing at that, “it was just a little fun and games at a party, hyunjin.”

heejin follows in hyunjin’s earlier actions, and walks over to where hyunjin is pacing the room (so much for not letting heejin see just how badly this was getting to her). she grabs her hands, rubbing her thumbs affectionately against the other girl’s skin.

“kisses don’t have to mean anything.” heejin says.

“yeah well,” hyunjin is looking everywhere but heejin’s face, “to me they do.”

heejin’s eyes soften, and the corners of her mouth turn up into a little half smile, “i’m glad you said that.”

well, hyunjin is puzzled, “what?”

heejin released the other girl’s hands and starts digging into the back pocket of her jeans. she’s still giving hyunjin that adorable half smile, and hyunjin swears she sees heejin’s eyes twinkle, the whole of her face lighting up as she finds what she’s looking for.

she brings her hand out in front of her, between the two of them, and looks at hyunjin expectantly.

and shit, it’s a piece of mistletoe. albeit, it’s a little small and a little squished from where heejin must’ve sat on it, but it’s mistletoe alright.

hyunjin stares at her like a deer in the headlights. her brain’s slowly stopping working, if it’s even still functioning at all anymore. mistletoe? between them? meaning they have to kiss right? meaning heejin wants to kiss _her?_

heejin’s own voice breaks her out of her thoughts, and her smile is slowly fading, “hyunjin?”

“mhm?” she manages to hum.

“say something.”

hyunjin looks at heejin, then at the mistletoe, then back at heejin. that doesn’t really help. “i think,” she begins, “i’m a little confused.”

heejin laughs, which makes hyunjin pout, because hello, this girl is sending her into a downward spiral here, so not funny. but heejin just takes a step into hyunjin’s vicinity, places her free hand on hyunjin’s waist to tug her closer and looks down at hyunjin’s mouth.

their eyes meet for what feels like the first time in forever, and hyunjin gulps, loud and so not discreet, when heejin runs her tongue along her lips and her other hand (still holding the mistletoe) hooks around her neck.

“may i?” heejin whispers.

hyunjin barely has time to nod, or refuse, get out of there quickly, scream, _anything_ , before heejin is closing her eyes and leaning in.

if heejin kissing jungeun was a tragedy, then this is a damn near miracle. heejin’s lips are soft, of course they’re soft, and they press against hyunjin’s own with the same desperation that she feels.

hyunjin feels a sense of clarity, which is surprising, because this just complicates things even more. but it’s like heejin’s lips, heejin’s hands, heejin’s body have a magic touch and they’re working their way through hyunjin’s system.

she feels heejin drag her nearer, both at the waist and her neck, except there’s practically no space left between them already, and hyunjin can’t help but let out a little whimper when their bodies collide.

 _she’s_ kissing heejin. she’s _kissing_ heejin. she’s kissing _heejin._

what the fuck.

it’s like she can feel the blood pumping through her veins, heejin’s veins too. she’s never tasted something as sweet as heejin before, nothing even comes close to it. she’s getting dizzy, and it’s hard to decipher whether that’s because of her lack of oxygen right now or simply the effect heejin has on her.

hyunjin’s enjoying heejin’s kisses too much, the way her tongue is trailing the lining of her own lips, begging to be let in. the way she can feel heejin’s body heat radiating off her. but she needs to breath some time soon or else she’ll pass out, and she can’t kiss heejin if she’s unconscious.

when hyunjin pulls away, reluctantly, it’s like her mind clears. or fogs over again.

she slaps her hand against heejin’s arm.

“hey!!!” the girl protests, rubbing the affected area.

“you can’t just do that!”

hyunjin manages to get her sentence out, despite being strangely captivated by heejin’s swollen lips, her messy hair, the slight pink tint to her cheeks. hyunjin did that, that’s because of _her._

“i thought you wanted me to!”

“well yeah! but,” hyunjin’s stuttering and the fact that she’s aware of it makes getting her words out even harder, “but not like this, not because you feel sorry for me!”

“i don’t feel sorry for you,” heejin counters, “i kissed you because i wanted to. because when i was kissing jungeun i was thinking of you.”

and yeah, that definitely sends hyunjin’s heart beating a mile a minute, “you were?”

“yes, i felt bad.”

“see, you did feel sorry for me!”

“no that’s not-” heejin sighs, and sits back down on the bed, putting space between her and hyunjin, “let me explain. _it_ felt bad, kissing jungeun. well, not bad just, not right. and i couldn’t help but think about what it’d be like to kiss you instead and then i started wondering where you were so, after the kiss i went to find you but jinsol told me you’d gone.”

“so you came looking for me?”

“of course i came looking for you.”

 hyunjin is barely comprehending what’s going on, but heejin looks so small against that king size bed, and she’s looking at hyunjin almost as lovingly as hyunjin has looked at her these past few months. and god, she’s really about to give this girl the world.

she sits herself next to heejin, closer than before but their bodies still not touching, that is until she rests her head against hyunjin’s shoulder. she grabs her hand, entangled their fingers together and places them both in hyunjin’s lap.

“i’m glad you’re here.” heejin murmurs against hyunjin, squishing in tighter.

“here in this room or here spending the holidays with you?”

“both, definitely both.”

hyunjin sighs, but it’s a content one, long and refreshing, “yeah, me too.”

and she thinks, which is something she’s probably done far too much today, but so what. she thinks, about herself, about heejin about what exactly just happened. because they kissed. and it was good. it was _amazing_. hyunjin’s imagination only dims against the reality of what kissing heejin is like.

except heejin’s words keep ringing in her ears. _kisses don’t have to mean anything._ and fuck, hyunjin’s got this sick obsession of making things harder than they need to be. this is heejin goddamn it, heejin who’s shown no romantic interest in her in the past, or maybe she’s just good at hiding it? heejin, who had a crush on her math tutor only 3 weeks ago. heejin, her best friend, not her love interest. this isn’t a fairytale. hyunjin doesn’t get to have the girl of her dreams.

but whatever questions she has, she’ll save them for tomorrow, because right now, heejin is in her arms, humming a christmas song that hyunjin distantly recognises.

“merry christmas, hyunjin.”

“merry christmas, heejin.” hyunjin says, and plants one final kiss to the top of heejin’s head.

 


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heejin does some thinking, hyunjin runs away. a lot.

one thing hyunjin doesn’t expect, is for things to go back to normal, and so quickly too. kissing heejin had tipped the scales for her, to hyunjin, this was all or nothing, the make or break of their friendship (relationship?). maybe she was a little naive to assume her and heejin would go home together, wake up in each other’s arms, except this time in a non-platonic way, and take the first steps of what hyunjin hoped would be a long and happy relationship. 

but christmas was over, and maybe that meant hyunjin’s dreams were too. 

her and heejin had  _ definitely _ kissed, hyunjin was absolutely sure of that, and also possibly semi-confessed their feelings for the other, so why hadn’t they spoken about it since that night? 

they’ve always been good at communication, telling each other what’s on their mind, but heejin hasn’t been acting any differently than she usually does, and that sends warning signals through hyunjin’s mind. 

it’s like they’re stuck in the middle ground, and hyunjin can’t quite figure out where exactly heejin wants to be. 

****

jinsol calls her the next day, after the pounding in her head and the flutters in her stomach (yeah, they’re still there) have died down. 

heejin is downstairs preparing some snacks for the movie marathon they’re about to start, hyunjin lying in her own bed, when her phone starts to ring. the caller id is unknown, she answers it anyway. 

“hello?” 

“hyunjin?”

“yeah…?” 

she can hear the caller laugh through the phone, “hey, it’s jinsol.”

“oh! hey!” and then a pause, like hyunjin is thinking about something, “i don’t remember giving you my number last night?” 

“you didn’t. i got it from jiwoo, who got it from heejin.”

hyunjin smirks, “that desperate huh?”

jinsol laughs again and hyunjin can picture the way her eyes scrunch up when she does so. she’s known this girl for what, less than 24 hours? and hyunjin’s actually not even ashamed to admit she’s pretty fond of her. 

“don’t flatter yourself,” jinsol huffs, but then her voice becomes softer as she adds, “i just wanted to see how you were doing.”

hyunjin bites her lip,  _ well, isn’t that the question of the hour.  _

“not as bad as you’d think actually.” 

“oh?”

“mhmm.” hyunjin hums in reply. she lets out a nervous laugh, and swears she can  _ hear _ jinsol waiting expectantly on the other end. “funny story actually, she kissed me.” 

there’s a gasp, and then a small thud, and jinsol’s almost spluttering into the phone. 

“owww!!” hyunjin hears, “sorry, sorry. just walked into my desk chair. she meaning  _ heejin? _ heejin kissed  _ you?!?” _

“you don’t have to sound so surprised.” hyunjin says, sounding a little hurt.

“you know that’s not how i meant it! i just mean, wow, she kissed you? how did that happen?” 

“well, after i ran off after seeing her and jungeun kiss, sorry about that by the way, i guess she came looking for me. i keep thinking maybe she could tell why i was upset all along, but i brought up their kiss anyway.” 

she takes a second to catch her breath again, fiddling with a piece of loose thread on one of the pillows laying next to her. 

“here’s where it gets interesting, she tells me that kisses don’t have to mean anything, and that she’s completely over jungeun. then she pulls out this piece of mistletoe from her back pocket and holds it between us-”

hyunjin hears jinsol gasp and can’t help but giggle at the girl’s shock and excitement. 

“and then she kisses me. but like, really kisses me. not any of that soft lipped, lasting 2 seconds bullshit. like hand on waist, fingers through hair, out of breath kisses me.” 

there’s silence on the other end, like jinsol is holding her own breath, or maybe she just doesn’t know what to say. but then there’s a sigh, finished with “well shit.”

hyunjin laughs, except reliving all this again, after trying not to think about it too intently for the last few hours, isn’t exactly a humorous experience. 

“exactly.” 

“well what happened next?”

“i don’t know, we just lay on the bed for a little while.”

“you guys didn’t talk?”

“no…”

“hyunjin!”

“i’m sorry! i just, she kissed me, jinsol. hell, i’m just happy i managed to stay conscious through it all.”

“well have you spoke to her now? about the kiss i mean?”

hyunjin holds her breath, because yeah, she knows how dumb it sounds. her best friend kissed her, and they went home together like it was nothing. 

“...not exactly.” 

“i’m coming over there and i’m beating your ass.” 

hyunjin groans, loud and prolonged, and buries her face in the pillow beside her. 

“i like her a lot. i  _ really, really  _ like her, sol.” 

“sol?” jinsol questions. 

“too soon into our 1 day long friendship for nicknames?” 

the blonde girl chuckles, and it relieves some of hyunjin’s own tension, “no, it’s fine. i kinda like it actually.” 

“okay, good. anyway, i really like her.”

“mhm, i got that.”

“i’m just scared. i know things are going to change between us. i mean they have to now, right? there’s no going back from that.”

“i guess,” jinsol clicks her tongue against her cheeks, “i don’t have much experience with dealing with feelings correctly myself, but i do know you need to talk to her hyunjin. she’s the one who kissed you, remember? your feelings have gotta be reciprocated in some way at least.” 

“yeah, i know deep down you’re right. thank you, jinsol.” 

“you’re welcome, you lovestruck idiot.” 

****

hyunjin’s almost too hesitant to ask, things might’ve gone (relatively) well for her, but god knows what happened after that kiss for jinsol. she’s almost regretting not staying by her side, almost. 

“and you and jungeun?”

she waits anxiously, and jinsol takes a little longer to reply than she would if she had good news. 

“well, i confronted her.” 

there’s a pause, in which hyunjin thinks jinsol is going to continue, but the line stays dead. 

“oh? then that’s good right?”

“not exactly. we fought.”

“oh, i’m so sorry jinsol.” hyunjin takes a breath, then asks, “she doesn’t feel the same way?” 

jinsol laughs, but it’s heartless and devoid of humour, and hyunjin wonders what exactly is going through the other girl’s mind. granted, they’ve only known each other for such a small amount of time, but hyunjin can only imagine what jinsol must be going through, her feelings probably not too dissimilar from her own. 

“again, not exactly.” jinsol clears her throat, “there’s something i haven’t told you.” 

“jinsol……?” 

“me and jungeun, we’re technically not  _ just _ friends.” 

jinsol leaves the sentence hanging, hoping hyunjin will pick up what she’s hinting at. 

it takes a few seconds, but the cogs are turning in hyunjin’s head, and finally she gets there. 

“you mean you…”

“yes.”

“you hook up!”

“yes.” 

“oh my god.” 

“listen,” jinsol sighs, “the reason we argued was because i told jungeun how i felt, how i  _ really  _ felt. but we’d promised to not get attached emotionally, and shit hyunjin, i just couldn’t stop myself. it’s all her fault for being so easy to fall in love with anyway.”

hyunjin shouldn’t be so surprised, things like this happen all the time. but still, this new piece of information could change the game entirely.  

“what did jungeun say? once you told her?” 

“she called me stupid, for letting it go on for so long without telling her what i was feeling.”

“ouch.” 

jinsol is sounding more and more defeated as the conversation goes on, “yeah. usually i stay over after parties like that but i couldn’t bare it, the way she was looking at me, it was like she didn’t even know me, or she was seeing the real me for the first time. i just knew i had to get outta there, so i walked home.” 

“how far away do you live from jungeun’s?” 

“like 40 minutes.” 

“jinsol!!!” hyunjin remembers jinsol’s words from earlier, and thinks about beating  _ her _ ass. 

“i’m sorry! i couldn’t stay in that house with her. not after everything i’d say, everything i’d admitted. god i feel like such a fool.” 

“well i’m proud of you, if that means anything at all.” 

jinsol exhales, and hyunjin can hear the other girl flopping onto her bed, “surprisingly, it does. thank you, hyunjin.”

hyunjin is about to ask jinsol another question, change the subject from this depressing unrequited feelings discussion they’ve been having for a good 10 minutes, when she hears the bedroom door creak open slightly and she sees heejin’s small head peak through the open space. 

“hyun?” she calls, “are you ready?” 

hyunjin seems surprised to see her best friend, like she’d almost forgotten what she was doing. and though they’d only been apart for a little while, hyunjin realises she’s more than relieved to see her face again. 

“yeah, just gimme a sec.” 

she wonders if heejin’s curious about who she’s talking to, if she cares enough to ask. hyunjin has other friends, of course she does (and now she has jinsol to add to the mix), but none of them come even close to heejin, and hyunjin’s a little worried the other girl knows that all too well already.

she gets up off the bed, fixes her clothes and tells jinsol of her departure in an apologetic voice. she doesn’t even have to fake it, talking with jinsol is the exact stress relief she needs right now. 

“jinsol, i gotta go.” she almost whines. 

“is it her?”

“yep. we’re having a movie marathon in her bed.”

“damn...good luck kiddo.” jinsol says, and hyunjin can tell she might be jesting, but she definitely means it. 

“thanks,” hyunjin murmurs, “i think i’m gonna need it.” 

****

and then somehow they’re on their third movie of the night, hyunjin can’t even remember the name, but it’s about some bland guy’s quest to win over the girl of his dreams, so she’d already lost interest from the get go.

heejin had always liked these kinds of movie, thought she’s not exactly sure why, they’re tragically overdone and far too heterosexual to gain hyunjin’s respect, but she remembers heejin telling her once that there’s just something about their happy endings, how everything comes together in the end, that she can’t quite seem to let go off. 

which is ironic, now that she’s lying here, because heejin has been curled into her side for the better part of half an hour, one arm around her waist as she breathes heavy, fast asleep. and by the way things are looking, she’s not even going to see the ending of this damn movie anyway. 

hyunjin’s too aware of heejin’s body against hers, the rise and fall of her chest against her side. they’ve been in this position before, so many times it should feel like second nature to hyunjin, but now she’s staring at heejin’s hand, remembering when it gripped her waist so tightly she was sure it’d break her skin. 

she shifts a little to get more comfortable, careful not to wake heejin, hoping the burning of heejin’s skin against her own is just a temporary sensation. and of course now she’s thinking about their kiss, because hyunjin could’ve swore her skin was on fire then, and still maybe even now. 

she’s almost debating just turning this movie off, slowly detaching heejin from her and tiptoeing back into her guest room, when she feels heejin’s head move a little and then the girl beside her says, “do you think she’s hot?” 

hyunjin’s not even sure she’s heard the other girl properly, wasn’t she asleep like, 10 seconds ago?

“huh?” 

“do you think she’s hot?” heejin’s voice is still groggy, deeper than it usually is, and so so much more attractive.  _ perfect,  _ hyunjin thinks sarcastically. 

“who?” 

“the main actress!” 

“oh,” hyunjin says, and then realises she doesn’t even know who the main actress in this movie is, she really hasn’t been paying any attention at all. “umm, yeah. she’s pretty i guess.” 

“is she your type?” 

she can’t help being a little flustered, to say the least. her type? she’s never really thought about her type before, for the past few months it’s just been heejin, heejin is her type. heejin and her long dark hair, heejin and her adorable eye smile (accentuated by that cute little eye mole she has), heejin and her heart of gold. of course, she can’t exactly tell the other girl that. 

“yeah? maybe? i don’t know.” 

“you don’t know what your type is?”

“not exactly. i’ve never really thought about it before.” 

“well why not?”

heejin seems pretty persistent for a girl who’s just now recovering from a deep sleep.

“i’ve never really had to. there’s not been many people i’ve liked in my lifetime, and i guess the ones who have caught my attention have been pretty different from each other. maybe i don’t have a type.”

she can hear heejin scoff, and furrows her own eyebrows at that, as if the other girl doesn’t believe her. she’s feeling a little defensive.

“well,” hyunjin begins, and the words haven’t even left her mouth before she’s already regretting asking, “is she  _ your _ type?”

“hmmm,” heejin thinks, and hyunjin’s swears she can feel heejin’s arm wrap tighter around her waist, “not really.” 

maybe she should stop there, let heejin carry on if she wants, leave this conversation open ended. but, no. 

“what is your type, then?” 

the girl on screen is beautiful, now that hyunjin gets a proper look at her, and she can’t help but wonder what exactly this girl is missing that makes her unfit for heejin’s attraction. so what is heejin’s type? her mind is repeating jungeun’s name over and over again, but even she knows that’s dumb. heejin has told her on more than one occasion that she’s over jungeun, and heejin had been the one to kiss hyunjin first (she blushes a little at that thought, and hopes heejin doesn’t lift her head to see). so what’s to say that hyunjin isn’t heejin’s ideal type, it wouldn’t totally be out of left field. 

“well they have to be funny, i like someone who can make me laugh.” 

hyunjin’s made heejin laugh many times before, she imagines drawing a big tick on a list in her mind,  _ check.  _

“but they have to know when to be serious too, like when i’m feeling down, or need some comfort.”

hyunjin has definitely dealt with her fair share of heejin’s emotional episodes, always making sure to buy the other girl her favourite comfort foods or take her out to her favourite local spots to distract her.  _ check.  _

“ooo! i like someone who’s protective, not necessarily controlling but, i don’t know, it’s not such a bad thing if they get a little jealous from time to time.” 

with the way hyunjin reacted to heejin and jungeun’s kiss, yep, she’s absolutely got that one down,  _ check.  _ hyunjin smirks at herself, in her own head, this is going pretty well for her. 

“appearance wise, i’m not sure. i like everything i guess.” 

both girls laugh at that, and hyunjin can feel the vibrations from heejin’s warm body against her own. they’ve been like this for hours, but somehow it still manages to raise her body temperature, when she thinks about heejin being this close. 

“but really,” heejin says, but she’s cut off by her own yawning before she can continue, “someone tall maybe, strong but also soft. i usually go for people with dark hair, they don’t have to have the perfect physique, but i like someone who knows how to look after their body.” 

hyunjin’s heart is beginning to beat faster and faster as the girl beside her goes on, and maybe it’s just these late night hours, and hyunjin has been awake for far too long to be thinking logically, but heejin’s describing someone eerily similar to hyunjin herself. this girl is laying against her, hell, they’ve been practically attached at the hip for half of this day, so hyunjin really isn’t to blame for her wishful thinking. heejin knows what she’s doing. and that scares hyunjin to no end. 

she’s barely even aware that heejin has stopped talking now, has been finished for a while, until she feels a light tickle against her waist that’s meant to grab her attention. heejin has lifted her head from hyunjin’s chest to look up at her expectantly, and hyunjin can’t help but look down and think about how easy it would be to get lost in her eyes. the corners of heejin’s mouth twitch up, like she’s knows exactly what hyunjin is thinking, and suddenly she’s brought back to reality. 

she clears her throat, looks away all too quickly from the other girl and focuses instead on the tv in front of her, “oh, that’s cool. good to know.” 

truthfully, she can’t even remember what the last thing heejin said was, but here’s hoping that reply makes enough sense that heejin won’t question her. 

heejin detaches herself from around hyunjin, stretching her arms out beside her with a little groan.

“i’m tired, hyun.” 

hyunjin smiles, filled with affection. “go back to sleep. this movie sucks anyway. and neither of us have any idea what’s going on.” 

heejin nods, lowers herself down fully onto the bed, and pulls the sheets right up to her chin. frankly, she looks fucking adorable. hyunjin grabs the remote control, watches the tv screen turn black, and tries to edge out of the bed quietly as heejin’s eyes flutter closed. key word, tries. she feels a tiny hand scrunch up the fabric of her tshirt, weakly pulling her back. 

“you can stay, if you want.” she hears heejin mutter, the sleep evident in her voice. 

and just like that first night, hyunjin thinks about it. for a split second she allows herself to indulge in the idea of sleeping next to heejin, all warm and soft and safe. but heejin is almost passed out already, and if hyunjin stays here with her, she’ll have trouble finding sleep as easily as heejin did. 

so hyunjin removes heejin’s small fist from her clothes, tucks the duvet tightly around the girl’s petite frame, and plants a gentle kiss to the top of her head (because apparently, that’s something she does now). 

walking back to her own room, her feet numb against the hard floor, to that lonely and cold bed, hyunjin’s not entirely sure which option would’ve been more torturous after all. 

********  
  


*****

********  
  


it’s on her seventh night at heejin’s place, after a day out spent with the jeon sisters, that hyunjin is woken up by the rustling of her own bed sheets and the feeling of another person moving next to her. granted, she’s still 75% unconscious, so hyunjin can’t really tell what’s going on. 

it’s only when she feels a warm breath against her neck, and a thin arm (that hyunjin can already recognise as heejin’s) snaking round her waist, that she realises there’s another person in her bed.  _ heejin _ is in her bed. 

hyunjin guesses she really doesn’t have a choice this time, if heejin is in  _ her  _ room, in  _ her _ bed, she can’t exactly kick herself out. maybe this is her comeuppance, for those times heejin had asked hyunjin to stay with her, and like the coward she is, hyunjin had refused. 

“heejin?” she asks, and her voice comes out much more shakier than she’d have liked. 

“hi.” heejin’s voice is muffled, but it still manages to send shivers down hyunjin’s spine. 

“umm…” hyunjin begins, “what are you doing?” 

she’s frozen in place, like if somehow she doesn’t move, heejin will leave, or better yet, she’ll wake up from this dream (nightmare?) to her usual empty bed, and heejin will be sleeping soundly in the room beside her. she can  _ feel  _ her heart beating, hear the thumping in her ears, and if she were to look down, hyunjin thinks she’d be able to see it pounding out of her chest. 

it’s almost too deafening to hear what heejin says next. 

“i don’t know,” she begins, and her voice actually sounds a little timid for once, “don’t laugh, okay? but i thought i’d get used to not sleeping in the same room as you, like you said, remember? the first night you were here.” 

to hyunjin’s delight (or distress, whichever way you want to look at it), heejin has moved away from hyunjin and is now lying flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling. 

“but i guess not.” she finishes. 

even with this new space around her, with her distance from heejin, hyunjin’s still finding it hard to breathe calmly. god, if only heejin knew what this was doing to hyunjin. 

“you haven’t been sleeping well?” hyunjin dares to ask. 

heejin lets out a little sigh, “no, i’ve been sleeping fine. it just takes me a little while longer to actually get to sleep than usual. i don’t know, maybe tonight i’m just extra needy.” 

_ needy for her? _ hyunjin can’t help but ask herself, because the implication is right there. maybe hyunjin is heejin’s safeplace, that wouldn’t be too hard to believe, they’re best friends after all. but now is definitely not the time to indulge in her fantasies, no matter how close to reality they may seem.

she shifts, turning her body from one side to the other, so now she’s actually facing heejin as she lies there peacefully, head between two pillows, still staring at the ceiling above her. she tilts her head to look a hyunjin, eyes wandering from her hair to her lips, before she gives the other girl a little smile. it’s making hyunjin nervous, but then again, the other girl always does. 

they stay like that for a little while, hyunjin’s eyes fluttering closed, both to stop any possible eye contact with heejin and because it’s almost 3am, she’s allowed to be tired. 

hyunjin thinks she can hear heejin’s heavy breathing, a clear sign the girl is finally asleep, when she feels two hands this time, each grabbing at her waist and pulling her closer. 

she hears heejin whine a soft “come here.” in her deep, sleep ridden voice, and hyunjin’s stomach flips. 

she opens her eyes, sees heejin shifting closer, and decides to meet her halfway. what the heck, right? 

heejin’s face is squished against her chest like usual, and the way she threads one of her legs through hyunjin’s own makes hyunjin’s whole body freeze for the countless time that night. heejin must notice this, of course she notices, because she halts what she’s doing and pulls herself up to eye level to meet hyunjin’s panicked gaze.

“why do you tense up whenever i touch you?” 

“what?” 

“when i touch you, it’s like you turn to stone or something.” 

well, hyunjin don’t know exactly how to reply to that. heejin’s right, she’d be a fool if she tried to deny it. heejin’s touch does something to her, something she can’t explain.

and now she’s realising she hasn’t actually acknowledged what heejin said, let alone answered her. she’s about to come up with an excuse, except her brain decides now’s the time to malfunction, when heejin speaks again. 

“do you not like it?” her voice is sad. 

hyunjin closes her eyes, lets out a breath and says, “that’s not it.” 

she opens her eyes again to see heejin pouting at her, and seriously, fuck this girl for being hyunjin’s one and only downfall. 

“so there is something?” 

“it’s nothing, really.” hyunjin reasons, though she realises heejin won’t buy that for a second, “i don’t know. something about you makes me nervous.” 

heejin is staring at her, like she doesn’t quite believe her. and if hyunjin were having an out of body experience, she’d be staring at herself too. purely for the fact that she  _ actually _ just admitted that to heejin, and there’s nowhere to run to, she’s stuck in this bed, close enough to the other girl that she can sometimes feel the warm air leave her mouth as she breathes. 

when she looks at her again, heejin’s expression is a mix between amusement and surprise, “ _ i _ make you nervous?!” 

hyunjin blushes, thought it’s difficult to see in the dark. she nods her head a little, because now she’s far too self aware to be admitting anything verbally anymore. 

“hyun,” heejin starts, “you’re one of, if not the most, confident person i know.”

“i know! i just, not around you i guess.” 

heejin continues to look at her with this puzzled look, like what hyunjin is saying is so bizarre. hyunjin remains quiet, waits for heejin to say anything, if she’s going to say anything at all. ideally, hyunjin would like things to end there, and maybe if her and heejin fall asleep quick enough this whole conversation will be forgotten tomorrow. 

it’s only when heejin speaks again that hyunjin realises the other girl is very much awake. 

“is this because of what happened at jungeun’s?” 

“what? no!” 

“because i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable-”

“heejin, no. it’s not-” hyunjin hesitates, because what exactly is she planning on saying here? it’s not that you kissed me, it’s that i’ve been waiting for you to do that for what feels like eternity and now that you have i don’t know what to do with myself? yeah right. “it’s not that. it’s definitely not that. when you, you know…” 

“kissed you?” 

“mhmm,” why can she still not say that out loud? heejin seems to do it so freely. “it was good. great, actually.” 

“then what’s wrong?” heejin’s practically pleading at this point. 

“nothing’s wrong,” she sees heejin  _ still _ pouting at her, god, doesn’t this girl know when to quit. “i promise.”

the girl besides her is still giving her an unsure look, and it obvious to both of them that heejin doesn’t entirely believe her. hyunjin wouldn’t believe herself either, she sucks at lying. she tries again.

“heejin?”

heejin only looks at her expectantly.

“i’m fine. we’re fine. okay?” hyunjin whispers, doing her best to give heejin her most convincing smile. 

and maybe she’s telling her best friend a lie, but at least it gets heejin’s mind off the whole topic. and to hyunjin’s wishes, within minutes, they’re both asleep again.

********  
  


*****

********  
  


if hyunjin had expected to gain anything out of her stay in heejin’s hometown, it certainly wasn’t a new friend. yeah, maybe she thought she’d get close to jiwoo (which she has, don’t get her wrong) but not somebody that even heejin wasn’t acquainted with. 

without meeting jinsol at jungeun’s party, without the blonde girl being there with her through everything since that day, hyunjin’s not sure what she would’ve done. and maybe it helps that jinsol is going through a similar situation, so they have something to bond over, but still, she’s grateful. 

they’re out at one of the local parks; herself, heejin and heesun, and heesun is having far too much fun collecting snow to add to her half-made snowman when hyunjin feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. 

**[jinsol, 02:14pm]** _ hey loser _

_ what are you doing rn?  _

**[hyunjin, 02:15pm]** _ out with heejin and her lil sis _

_                                it’s f*cking freezing _

and it is, hyunjin can barely feel her toes anymore, and if she keeps her gloves off for too long right now it’s looking like she’ll lose all feeling in them too. within a few seconds, jinsol has already texted her back.

**[jinsol, 02:15pm]** _LMAO_

and then another message not long after.

**[jinsol, 02:15pm]** _i’m with jungeun_

hyunjin can’t help but gasp, as she looks to the side to see heejin giving her an unreadable look. 

**[hyunjin, 02:16pm]** _ YOU’RE WHAT?  _

**[jinsol, 02:16pm]** _ can i call you?  _

**[hyunjin, 20:16pm]** _ ummmm…..hell yeah _

“heejin,” hyunjin calls to the other girl, who’s now helping her little sister build a second, smaller snowman, or maybe this one’s a snowoman. “i just gotta answer this one sec, okay?” 

heejin regards the other girl for a little too longer than necessary, then shrugs her off with a murmured “sure.” hyunjin doesn’t even give jinsol the chance to speak before she’s talking into the phone with a hushed whisper.

“explain yourself. now.” hyunjin demands.

“hey, no need to freak out. i’m telling you right now, aren’t i?” 

“jinsol…” hyunjin warns, though she knows the other girl isn’t scared of her, hell, she probably thinks her attention at being intimidating is cute. 

“okay fine,” jinsol whines, “well, you know how we’d been avoiding each other, yeah? we hadn’t spoke since our argument on christmas, but this morning i got a text from jungeun saying i’d left my scarf at her place. i could’ve sworn i hadn’t worn a scarf that night but i just went along with it anyway, and i don’t know maybe i was feeling a little too bold so i told her i’d come over and pick it up. once i get there i can tell she’s stalling, and i think at this point we both know there isn’t a damn scarf, jungeun’s just too much of a coward to admit that she missed me-” 

hyunjin hears a thump on the other end and a soft “ow!” escape jinsol’s mouth, then the sound of two people giggling. wherever this story is going, there’s a high chance it’s got a happy ending for jinsol, hyunjin thinks. 

“anyway,” jinsol continues, “she asks me how i’ve been and i tell her not good,  _ obviously _ , and then all of sudden she’s blurting out that she’s been worried about me and she misses me and she’s sorry for calling me stupid and saying all those horrible things. at this point i’m kinda just staring at her because jungeun’s never really been one to open up to me like that before. but the next thing i know she’s kissing me, but only softly, and then she tells me she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, doesn’t want to be friends with benefits either. and yeah maybe i panicked a little but then she grabs my hands, looks me in the eyes and asks me to be her girlfriend. i was speechless. like, literally. so i just kissed her back instead.” 

hyunjin’s not sure whether jinsol’s done telling her story or the other girl’s just trying to catch her breath after talking for so long, but she decides it’s time for her to speak up instead.

“shit jinsol,” hyunjin can’t quite believe it, and she’s struggling to find the right words to say to express how goddamn happy she is for her friend, “that’s amazing.”

“isn’t it?” jinsol sounds like a child, giddy and excited, “we’re just lying on her bed together now. god, hyunjin i can’t even begin to describe how great this feels.” 

“well, can you save all your mushy, romance bullcrap until i get a girlfriend?” 

“shit, i’m sorry.” 

“no, don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for you sol, really.” hyunjin reasons, the last thing she wants to do is make the other girl feel guilty, just when she’s started to feel happy again. what type of friend would hyunjin be if she disregarded jinsol’s good fortune just because her own somewhat sucked right now?  

“thanks, hyunnie.” 

“ew,” hyunjin fake gags, “what is that?” 

jinsol giggles again, and it’s good to hear, “hyunnie, get it? like honey except it’s your name.” 

“please never call me that again.” 

“aw,  _ hyunnieeeeee _ .”

“i’m seriously hanging up now.”

jinsol laughs, loud and carefree, and hyunjin can almost make out jungeun laughing too. hyunjin turns around, back in heejin’s direction, who’s playing with heesun, well, not so much playing but more so losing to heesun in what looks like an intense snowball battle.

“anyway i really do have to go now, it looks like heesun is kicking heejin’s ass in this snowball fight and i might as well go over there and help.” 

jinsol snorts, “good luck, i’ll talk to you later!” 

even that promise of talking to jinsol later makes hyunjin feel warm inside. she’s looking at the girl across from her now, in all her embarrassing glory, as a snowball connects harshly with her left cheek, and hyunjin feels her heart twinge at just how much she’s allowed herself to feel for her best friend. heejin’s nose is red, her cheeks rosy, and her little woollen hat sits crookedly on her head. things turned out well for jinsol, what’s to say hyunjin won’t have that same good luck?

after hanging up the phone, hyunjin can’t help but smile, and though she’s literally just spoke to the girl seconds ago, feels the need to give jinsol one final message.

**[hyunjin, 02:32pm]** _ congrats on  _ **_finally_ ** _ getting the girl _ ,  _ knew u could do it _

she’s not expecting a reply, but when it does come, it fills her with that little sliver of hope she needs.

**[jinsol, 02:33pm]** _ thanks kid, it’s your turn now _

****

hyunjin pockets the device, and jogs over to where the two girls are playing. it’s a sight to see, 18 year old heejin losing to her 6 year old sister, and hyunjin can probably guess once they’re back home heejin will stop at nothing to convince everyone she was just letting heesun win, so as not to upset her. but hyunjin knows the truth. 

she just stands there for a little while, enjoying this far too much, before leaning in to heejin’s side and whispering, “need any help?” 

heejin looks hyunjin up and down once, with a deadpan expression, then says “better late than never i guess.” 

hyunjin’s always down for a little competition, but she’s still trying to make a good impression on heesun (though she’s pretty sure the girl loves her already), so she weakly throws her snowballs in heesun’s general direction. 

“who was that?” heejin questions her.

“who?”

“on the phone.”

“ohhh, it was just jinsol.” hyunjin replies, upping her game a little and managing to launch a ball that hits heesun just below her knee. heejin’s throws have become weak, not that they were that powerful to begin with, as she grows tired. or maybe she’s just more interested in something else now.

she clears throat and tries to avoid looking at hyunjin when she asks, “are you two…?” 

“what?” hyunjin puzzles, but heejin’s now just looking at her not too subtly with a raised eyebrow. “oh... _ oh.  _ ew, no. we’re just friends.” 

“besides,” she decides to go on, “jinsol is with jungeun now.” 

heejin merely nods, pretends to divert her attention back to making snowballs and throwing them to heesun. is she  _ jealous? _ hyunjin asks herself. jealous that hyunjin has a new friend? or is it something more than that, that maybe she was jealous at the thought of hyunjin and jinsol being an item. 

“you just seem to be talking to her a lot lately.” heejin points out. 

“yeah well, turns out we have a lot in common.”

she doesn’t mean for that to come out so sour, and her heart aches a little when she sees the hurt look pass over heejin’s face, but she can’t take it back now. her and heejin have a lot in common, both girls know that, hyunjin was just hinting more at the whole ‘being hopefully in love with your best friend’ ordeal. she hopes heejin doesn’t take her words to heart. 

thankfully, their tension is broke by heesun, ceasing her fire and standing between the two (pretty impressive) snowmen she’d built earlier. 

“i’m bored now.” she yawns, playing with the small peddles they’d used as eyes. 

heejin sighs, and pulls her gaze away from hyunjin, “okay monkey, let’s go home.” 

the young girl bounds towards them, but not before throwing one final snowball that hits heejin in the stomach, and inserts herself in the middle of where they’re standing. she grabs each one of their hands, and hyunjin mentally curses at herself for letting a look of disappointment wash over her face. 

“you can hold heejin’s hand if you want.” heesun says, clearly picking up on it. she lets go of hyunjin’s hand and pulls her over to heejin, so now that she’s the one in the middle, and attaches their hands instead. damn this child and her ability to make hyunjin blush.

“um, thanks.” she mutters, though she’ll be damned if she looks heejin in the eyes right now. she hears the other girl giggle, light and soft, and she can picture the way her eyes are scrunching up without even looking at her. and yeah, if hyunjin wasn’t screwed before, she definitely is now. 

they walk home together like that, hyunjin between the two sisters, arms swinging freely. thank god it’s cold enough to wear gloves, because even though they’re not touching skin on skin, hyunjin can feel the other girl’s touch like electricity surging through her body. heejin lights her up, and hyunjin’s almost scared of the power this girl holds now. but heejin doesn’t need to know that.

********  
  


*****

********  
  


it’s the day before new year’s eve, a cold and bitter winter day, and hyunjin and heejin’s family (yes, all of them) are downstairs watching a movie heesun had relentlessly requested. they’re all spread out on various sofas and chairs, heesun has her head resting against her father’s chest, heejin’s mom is sat comfortably in her big armchair, and soyeon is lying sprawled in the space that’s left next to her dad.

heejin is curled up against hyunjin, as usual, on a sofa of their own. and hyunjin likes it like this, when heejin snuggles her close, likes the feeling of her warm body against her. but still, she’s a little self-conscious, except everybody in the room is too focused on the tv to notice, so she’s got nothing to worry about really. and so what if her and heejin are cuddling like this? friends do it all the time, and for best friends it’s totally justified. she’s just not exactly sure if it’s something best friends-who-kissed-but-refuse-to-talk-about-it should be doing. 

she can feel the rise and fall of heejin’s chest beside her, and somehow, unconsciously finds herself trying to match the other girl’s breathing, syncopate their heart beats. 

hyunjin’s trying real hard to focus on the movie playing out before them, and she can’t help but think back to a few days ago in heejin’s room, with the other girl asleep on her body. how hard it was for her to stay still, to not wake heejin up, to not have a complete breakdown over the girl so oblivious to what she’s doing to hyunjin. 

except this time, heejin is awake, and she keeps fidgeting and wriggling every so often to try and get comfy. she’s on the inside of the sofa, with her back against the large cushions, while hyunjin is on the edge, arm hanging off the side.

it’s been a little while since she adjusted their position, so hyunjin knows what’s coming next. heejin lets out a small sigh, managing to pull herself up while also dragging hyunjin down, so now they’re practically lying down at the same level, heads still propped up by a few pillows. 

“is this okay?” heejin semi whispers. 

“hmmm.” hyunjin shamelessly hums, relishing in the way the other girl’s body seems to fit perfectly into her. hyunjin scolds herself for initially thinking this was a weird thing to do in front of heejin’s family, they’re just close friends to the other people in that people. to hyunjin of course, they’re more, or she wishes they were more. to heejin, well hyunjin’s not exactly sure what they are to heejin. 

she’s almost genuinely engrossed in this movie for once (nice choice heesun), surprisingly already accustomed to heejin against her, when hyunjin feels a warm hand on her thigh. it’s not doing much, just tracing small patterns with the index finger and thumb. but it’s definitely there. 

and wait, that’s not all.  hyunjin swears on her own life she can feel heejin pressing featherlight kisses to her neck. or maybe she’s just pouting her lips. 

“what are you doing?” hyunjin hisses.  heejin doesn’t move her face away from hyunjin when she answers with a “sshhhhh.”

her skin is prickling, red hot spikes of heat, as heejin refuses to move away. she’s wrapping one arm tighter around hyunjin’s waist, while her feet nudge playfully against hyunjin’s own.

why exactly is heejin doing this? and right now too? if hyunjin knows heejin well enough she can guess the other girl is probably doing it to prove a point, though what point exactly, she’s not so sure. 

“heejin, stop.” hyunjin tries again, moving her body a little and hoping not to disturb the other people in the room. they all seem pretty captivated by the movie, which hyunjin is oh so thankful for. 

****

she’s getting way too hot all too fast and decides she just can’t handle it anymore. whatever game heejin is playing, it sure as hell isn’t a fun one. 

“excuse me,” hyunjin leaps up, almost taking heejin off the sofa with her, “i need to use the bathroom.” 

heejin’s father gives her a soft smile, but heesun is looking at her skeptically, and her eyes shift from hyunjin to heejin and back again.  _ how is this child so damn attentive?! _

she passes soyeon on the way out, who’s looking at her with an almost sympathetic gaze, like she knows exactly what’s going on in hyunjin’s mind. and how is that every jeon woman  _ except  _ heejin can read hyunjin like an open book? 

hyunjin thinks she can hear heejin call her name faintly behind her, but she’s too focused on getting up those damn stairs quick enough to look back. 

********  
  


*****

********  
  


the first thing hyunjin remembers thinking is, wow, this is their first real fight. of course, they’ve had small fights here and there, petty disagreements, but nothing they haven’t fixed with a cute pout or the promise of buying some bread or ice cream. but nothing like this. nothing as heated and driven by emotions as this.

“what the hell was that down there?!” hyunjin spits out, trying not to raise her voice. the last thing she wants to do is make a scene in heejin’s house, the rest of her family as still watching the movie downstairs. 

“i don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

hyunjin groans, loud and aggravated and runs both hands through her hair. “cut the crap, heejin!”

if all heejin is going to do is act oblivious after her being the one to follow hyunjin upstairs, she’d rather the other girl just leave her alone and let her calm down in peace.

heejin just stands there, arms crossed, looking at hyunjin with this insufferable look that says she’s obviously trying to feign innocence. hyunjin can’t stand it. whatever game this girl is playing, it has to end now. she takes a step closer to heejin, tries to make herself look as tall and intimidating as possible, and speaks in a low voice.

“i’m serious right now. do not mess with me. what  _ was _ that down there?”

they just stare at each other for a little while as the seconds tick by, like they’re challenging each other, and one of them has to break soon. hyunjin’s adamant it will not be her. their eyes lock for a moment longer before heejin shakes her head and moves away from hyunjin. 

“fine!” she exclaims, throwing her hands up into the air in exasperation. “you really want to know what that was about? really?” 

hyunjin can only nod. 

“you’ve been avoiding talking about that kiss ever since it happened!” 

okay, so maybe she doesn’t actually want to know. because here they are, finally, they’re about to talk about the one thing that’s had hyunjin’s mind running in circles for days. only hyunjin’s not sure she’s exactly ready for it. to talk about  _ that _ kiss, as heejin had called it. denial is hyunjin’s first step.

“i’ve been avoiding it?!”

“i’ve been trying to talk to you for days, hyunjin!” heejin whines, and her voice is wavering up and down, a clear sign that her emotions are starting to show. “i didn’t know what it’d take for you to just damn well talk to me, so i don’t know, i tried something extreme.” 

“you got that right,” hyunjin scoffs, she can’t quite believe the other girl, all this because hyunjin was too much of a coward to actually bring up their kiss? “coming onto me in front of your family? what the hell were you thinking?”

“oh calm down, they weren’t even paying attention.”

“that’s not the point!” 

“then what is?! damn it hyunjin, what do i have to do to get you to open up to me?”

that seems to shut hyunjin up, because the topic of her opening up to people (including heejin) is a touchy one. she’s a closed off person, she knows this, doesn’t try to deny it. but hearing it from heejin, with the hurt and desperation in her voice begging for hyunjin to just  _ talk _ to her, it’s like a punch to the gut. she can’t quite find the appropriate words to say. so she says nothing at all, trains her gaze to the ground, and hopes heejin will continue. 

“i tried to bring it up, subtly, you know.” heejin says, but it’s a lot softer now. “when we were watching that movie together, when i snuck into your bed that night. hell, i was even about to just straight up ask you about it that day in the snow, but then jinsol called you and i, i guess i started thinking about other things instead.”

hyunjin’s still refusing to meet heejin’s gaze, as she sits slumped on the edge of her bed. silence probably isn’t her best tactic, because it only seems to be getting heejin riled up again, as the other girl raises her voice. 

“would you just look at me?! i tried hyun, but you’re so fucking hard to break.” 

hyunjin lets out a small chuckle, but none of this is funny, not even in the slightest. she’s not sure why she never thought this conversation would come, after not immediately talking about it the day after, hyunjin had assumed heejin had forgotten about their kiss or simply didn’t hold it at that high of an importance to talk about it. obviously, she was wrong about that one. 

she finally looks up at the other girl to find that she has more to say. “look, i am sorry about what i did downstairs. that was way out of character and so not appropriate but i was helpless. god, do you realise how confusing these past few days have been for me? and i haven’t even been able to do what i’d usually do and talk to you about it, for obvious reasons.”

and hyunjin, well hyunjin’s feeling more and more guilty by the minute. the past few days have been a whirlwind for her, but it’s actually somewhat comforting to find out that it’s not been too easy for heejin either.

“i’m asking you, as your best friend,” heejin’s voice sounds drained, “to just say something.”

hyunjin drops her head into her hands, then runs them down the length of her face, breathing heavy. once she starts, hyunjin knows she won’t be able to stop. this is why she’s always so set on keeping her feelings in check and heejin’s about to learn exactly why.

“i don’t know what you want me to say,” hyunjin begins, voice shakier than her hands, “you don’t get to just do that. kiss me like that, and think i’ll be perfectly fine afterwards.”

she waits for heejin to acknowledge her, and the other girl’s stood by the desk in the room when she says gently, “i understand that.” 

“do you? do you really, heejin?” hyunjin’s voice cracks a little, “because i honestly think you have no idea how it feels to be in that position, you couldn’t even imagine.” 

heejin’s head snaps up, her eyes burning into hyunjin’s own as she speaks through gritted teeth, “don’t tell me what i do and do not feel.” 

hyunjin’s taken aback by that, and struggles to think of what she was about to say next. she’s seen heejin angry before, but never directed at her. hyunjin’s been angry in front of the other girl before, but never at heejin. 

heejin’s expression is a mix between sadness and anger, and not for the first time since they’ve known each other, hyunjin wishes she could just read the other girl’s mind. oh how much easier that would make this. her mind is racing, putting together sentences and questions she needs to ask. she could forgive heejin, or ask for forgiveness herself, neither of them are totally innocent, she knows that much.

instead she goes with something that’s been plaguing her mind ever since heejin pulled that damn piece of mistletoe out of her pocket.

“you knew, didn’t you?” 

“what?” 

“about my feelings…” hyunjin falters, and then continues in a lower voice, “for you.”

from the look on her face, heejin certainly wasn’t expecting that question. she scrunches her eyebrows at hyunjin, like she’s trying to process the question, or process a believable answer.

“no, i-” she begins, before she thinks twice and finishes with a small sigh, “yes. a little.” 

“ a little?” 

“i had my suspicions. or hopes. or whatever you want to call it. but yeah, i knew.” 

hyunjin gives herself some time to take that all in. man, jinsol really wasn’t kidding when she said hyunjin didn’t know the meaning of the word subtle. how long had heejin known for? how did she figure it out? what exactly was it that gave hyunjin away?

but then another question pushes its way to the front of her mind, and suddenly that’s all hyunjin can seem to focus on. 

“you kissed jungeun in front of me, even though you knew how i felt towards you?” she asks. 

heejin looks like she’s about to throw up. 

“how was i supposed to know you were watching?”

“when am i NOT watching you, heejin?!”

heejin groans, and it looks like she’s about to say something she might regret before she thinks again, probably realising she’s more in the wrong here than hyunjin is. 

“listen, i’ve said i was sorry for that already. i thought we were past it.” she reasons. 

“you seem to be doing a lot of apologising right now.” hyunjin tries not to sound bitter, but her emotions are getting the better of her - something that doesn’t happen very often - and she can’t help the way her words come out. 

“yeah, and you don’t seem to be doing any.” heejin mutters under her breath, but hyunjin can still hear her, loud and clear. 

“me? what do i have to apologise for?!”

“oh, i don’t know. how about the fact that you kept this from me for so long? or the fact that YOU kissed me back? have you ever thought about where we could be right now, if you’d have just gotten over yourself for one minute and damn well said how you were feeling for once!” 

the silence that follows is eerily loud. hyunjin is staring at heejin, her eyes almost glossed over, and heejin isn’t entirely sure whether the other girl is about to cry or not. heejin can do nothing but stare back, it’s like she can hear her own words echoing off the walls in that room (which seem to be closing in on her), and wait for hyunjin to respond. 

they’ve never been like this with each other before, and sure, there’s a first time for everything, heejin just wishes this is also the last. 

when hyunjin finally does speak, her words come out as a defeated sigh, “you’re unbelievable.”

she shakes her head, and pulling herself up from that bed takes more effort than usually necessary. she’s exhausted, hyunjin’s not even trying to hide that anymore. from kissing heejin, to cautiously tiptoeing around the other girl for the last few days, to now, fighting with her like this, she’s drained. 

it doesn’t help that this is half her fault anyway. hell, maybe even more than half. because though heejin’s words might have been harsh, she’s right. hyunjin could’ve saved herself (and heejin too) a lot of emotional turmoil if she’d have just opened up sooner and thrown caution to the wind. 

but that’s not who she is, hyunjin is the type of girl to run from her problems, face them at a later date. like now for example, with her ignoring heejin’s pleading looks and making a beeline for the door.

“hyunjin, wait.” she hears heejin beg, and feels a desperate hand grapple at her wrist. if hyunjin wasn’t so caught up in her messed up feelings right now, she’d relish in the warmth of heejin’s hand wrapped around her.

instead, she pulls her own arm away with a force that almost drags heejin with it, and looks heejin dead in the face, her own unreadable.

“don’t.” she says, with a little more bite than needed. “i think we both need time to cool down. so just, leave me alone.” 

she doesn’t miss the little whimper that escapes heejin’s lips, though she pretends to. it’s taking all of her might to drag her feet out of that room (it’s like they weigh a ton), and not just give up and wrap the smaller girl in her arms. but as they’d both concluded, nothing seems to get resolved when they’re in each others embrace. 

so for the second time that day, heejin is left staring at the back of hyunjin’s body, watching her legs carry her away, seeing her leave, _ again _ . only this time, she’s too numb to do anything about it. 

********  
  


*****

********  
  


hyunjin’s lying spread out on her bed, doing absolutely nothing but staring at the ceiling, after not speaking to heejin, not even so much as looking at her actually, since the day before. since their fight. she’s almost convinced herself she can see patterns forming like clouds on the ceiling above when she’s brought out of her nothingness by a knock at the door.

hyunjin prays to whoever’s listening that it isn’t heejin, but she’s pretty certain she heard the front door close not too long ago and a hurried “bye! i’ll see you later!” that sounded similar to her best friend’s (they’re still best friends, right?) voice. 

“come in?” she calls skeptically. 

hyunjin’s only semi surprised to see both soyeon and heesun, heejin’s sisters, standing in the open doorway and looking at hyunjin with a mix of warm and sympathetic smiles. she’s been here for a little over a week now, and she’s gotten close to both girls, but hyunjin’s still a little shy and nervous when she says, “hi, guys.” 

heesun gives her a little wave, while soyeon is already moving towards the bed and practically dragging hyunjin with her.

“come with us.” the oldest sister says. 

and hyunjin’s not going to lie, she’s a little frightened. 

“umm....you guys aren’t going to beat me up right?”

“what?” soyeon laughs, and hyunjin can’t help but notice how similar it is to heejin’s, “why would we do that?” 

soyeon’s still got a tight hold of hyunjin’s wrist, pulling her towards her own bedroom (which hyunjin has never been in before) when hyunjin says, “well i’m assuming you’ve heard about what happened between me and heejin yesterday.”

the other girl is silent for a little while, and hyunjin wonders just how close these three sisters are. how much do they usually share with each other? had heejin gone straight to soyeon to tell her about what happened? do the both of them know they kissed? and more importantly, if yes, do these two girls hate hyunjin right now? 

“heejin didn’t exactly tell us willingly,” soyeon starts, “we practically had to force it out of her, right heesun?” the younger girl nods knowingly, “but yes, we know.” 

“you know...everything?” hyunjin dares to ask. she’s not exactly sure how she feels about these two knowing all of her personal business.

“i think she only told us what we needed to know, not too many details.”

“oh.” hyunjin deadpans. well, thank god. maybe that means they don’t know just how serious this is afterall, maybe they don’t know about the kiss, or the fact that hyunjin’s been in love with heejin for months now. come to think of it, hyunjin’s not even sure she’s made that fact clear to heejin yet. 

by now they’re in soyeon’s room, which is scarily different from heejin’s, all dark colours and chic furniture. it makes hyunjin wonder what heesun’s room is like, maybe a mix between the two. soyeon leads hyunjin to the edge of her bed, while heesun drags a swivel chair in front of hyunjin and sits herself crossed legged on top of it. soyeon herself just remains standing in front of her, as hyunjin waits expectantly.

“we know what’s going on.” soyeon finally speaks again. 

“you do?” 

“yes.”

“okay…” 

“you have feelings for our sister.” 

hyunjin’s breath hitches. she doesn’t actually think she’s heard that out loud before, sure jinsol had teased her about it, but never so blunt and straightforward as that. she actually feels some clarity, hearing it from someone else, that’s not to say it still doesn’t scare the shit out of her though. 

“straight the point, i see.” she laughs nervously.

soyeon is stood with her hands on her hips, looking down at hyunjin when she says, “there’s no time for subtlety here hyunjin, we need to fix this.”

“we?”

“well, you mostly. but we’re here to help.” 

she turns to see heesun, sitting so attentively in that chair, nodding enthusiastically at her. and hyunjin realises that even if things don’t turn out exactly how she wants with heejin, she can’t afford to lose this bond she’s already formed with her family. hyunjin could never forgive herself if she sabotaged her relationship with all the jeon sisters. 

“we know you two fought,” it’s heesun speaking this time, in her usual squeaky voice, “about your feelings, that’s about as much as heekkie told us.” 

hyunjin smiles at that nickname again, she hasn’t heard it for a while, and gets the urgent need to apologise to the two of them, but for what she’s not exactly sure. 

“i’m sorry guys,” she begins, “you know, that was our first real fight. i’m sorry it had to be here.” 

“we kinda figured,” soyeon says, “we’ve never seen her like that before,” and then the girl adds, almost like an afterthought, “not even when she was with jungeun.” 

if soyeon wants those words to impact hyunjin, well then she’s succeeded. she’s not entirely sure what to do with that information, because causing heejin pain obviously isn’t a good thing, and hyunjin resents herself for that fact. but maybe heejin being so affected by this (possibly even as affected as her) isn’t the worst thing in the world, because it shows she cares, right? 

soyeon’s eyes soften at seeing hyunjin process things, and she perches herself on the bed next to hyunjin when she asks, “there’s a party later for new years, at jiwoo’s, are you going?”

hyunjin contemplates it for a few seconds, “i guess. jinsol invited me this morning but i hadn’t decided yet.”

“you know you have to go right? you can’t start the new year like this hyunjin, fighting with her.”

hyunjin’s knows she’s right, even jinsol had pointed that out to her earlier, but there’s still a bitter taste in her mouth from the words her and heejin had exchanged last night.

“i know that,” she says, “and i know that i’m the one who walked away from her. but what if she doesn’t want to see me? what if after me saying we need time to get our thoughts together, she realised i’m just not worth it?” 

soyeon looks saddened by hyunjin’s words and is quick to protest, “don’t say that.” 

somewhere in the back of her mind, hyunjin knows she’s being dumb, from what she’s gathered already, heejin cares about her, whether that be as her friend or something more, it’s highly unlikely one day apart has changed her mind so drastically. but still, hyunjin has her doubts. 

“she’s never had a friend like you before, hyunjin. do you really think she’d throw that all away? and for what? you know how much she cares about you, you’ve gotta know that.” 

“yeah, i guess.” hyunjin settles.

“heejin’s probably feeling the exact same as you right now. actually, i’m pretty sure i can confirm she  _ is  _ going through the same thing.” 

hyunjin’s head lifts up, knowing heejin feels the same is comforting, in a weird way. 

“you’ve had this talk with her too, huh?”

“tried to.” heesun joins in, rolling her eyes.

“key word, tried.” soyeon adds, “i don’t know if it’s just that sibling thing where she doesn’t listen to us, or she really was just so out of it and hung up over fighting with you that she wasn’t paying attention.” 

hyunjin hums, churns things over in her brain for a few moments, like she’s taking everything in for a second time, just to make sure she’s been absorbing this conversation properly. after a few moments of silence, heesun swivels in her chair closer to hyunjin, so now they’re face to face. 

“heejin really likes you.” she all but whispers. 

“yeah?”

heesun nods fast and excited, “mhmm.” 

she’s not sure if heesun’s exaggerating a little, of course hyunjin’s not naive enough to put her entire faith in the word of a 6 year old girl, but with the way soyeon’s smiling at her too, things just become a little more convincing. 

soyeon’s smile only grows when hyunjin matches it, her eyes soft when they gaze at her, then to her little sister, then back at hyunjin again. 

“she’s crazy about you, kid.” 

and even after everything, hyunjin would like to believe they’re right. 

********  
  


*****

********  
  


she decides not too long after her conversation with soyeon and heesun, that yes, she will be going to that party tonight. from the constant begging and nagging from jinsol over text to the reassuring words from heejin’s sisters, hyunjin knows she’d regret spending the new year alone, even with her and heejin not on the best of terms right now. if anything, this party is a chance for hyunjin to see heejin in a controlled (as controlled as a party ever can be) environment, with other people around, meaning the chances of her saying something embarrassing or confessing all her feelings right there in the middle of the room are pretty low. 

heejin makes her own way to jiwoo’s house (a few hours earlier to help clean and get everything ready) while jinsol takes hyunjin in her father’s car, which makes zero sense, because they’re both literally living in the same house. hyunjin’s not entirely sure how she’s managed to avoid heejin for the last 20 hours or so, but thank god she has. 

once jinsol finally arrives, hyunjin feels awfully like a third wheel. being in that car with jinsol and jungeun, it hadn’t yet occurred to hyunjin that her new blonde friend could be so sickly sweet and lovestruck. and maybe it’s because her own love life is at rock bottom right now, and it feels like the girl she longs to be with is miles away from her grasp, but it’s making hyunjin a little nauseous. she’s just glad jiwoo only lives a 10 minute drive away. 

hyunjin’s not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that the place is already booming by the time they arrive. of course, she recognises absolutely nobody there, and tries to look as un-awkward as possible as jinsol and jungeun greet various people while they make their way in. it’s loud and crowded and almost a little too much for hyunjin already, but when jungeun begins to chat to some friends, jinsol takes hyunjin’s hand in her own and guides her towards a less populated area of the kitchen. 

“wanna grab some drinks?”

“sounds good.” hyunjin replies, relieved. 

jinsol grabs two cups, and starts pouring up a concoction of liquids that hyunjin knows will have her knocked out in minutes.  _ guess we’re drinking slowly tonight.  _ then jinsol lifts her own cup to her lips and downs its contents in one long gulp.  _ or not. _

“everything alright?” hyunjin asks, a little worry showing on her face. 

jinsol just sets her cup down on the counter with emphasis, “perfectly fine. you just haven’t seen me in my element yet, hyunnie.”

“oh goodie,” hyunjin sighs, “looks like i’m in for a treat tonight.” 

she turns to jinsol to see the girl grinning devilishly at her, and god, she can only imagine what type of drunk jinsol is. the blonde pours herself another drink, filling it right to the top, then grabs a second cup, pouring one for jungeun who’s now approaching the two of them where they’re stood against the counter. 

jungeun’s voice is sympathetic when she turns to hyunjin and asks, “how you doing, hyunjin?”

hyunjin eyes the two girls skeptically, and sees jinsol looking at her with an apologetic but guilty smile. 

“you told her, didn’t you?” hyunjin says. 

“well, she’s my girlfriend now! i tell her everything. and also, this kind of does partly include her.” jinsol defends. 

“i guess.” 

jungeun looks a little guilty, “i’m sorry for that, by the way. if i’d have known you were interested in heejin, hell, if i’d have known jinsol was interested in being more than just fuck buddies with me, i wouldn’t have kissed heejin, i can promise you that.”

hyunjin looks at jungeun, doing her best to appear friendly, after everything that’s happened, she doesn’t hate jungeun, how could she. “it’s not your fault, don’t worry.” 

“thanks,” jungeun says, “although, it’s not exactly heejin’s fault either, right?”

jinsol nudges her girlfriend not so gently in the side, and jungeun gives her an offended look. “hey! i’m just saying, heejin didn’t exactly know of your feelings either. if she did, i’m pretty sure she’d have kissed you a lot sooner.” 

hyunjin lets that information sit with her for a few seconds before she says, “you really think so?” 

“i haven’t seen heejin in almost a year,” jungeun begins, “but just that one night at my house was enough to notice how that girl looks at you. that’s some next level love and romance shit right there.” 

she’s not entirely convinced that jungeun isn’t just saying all this to make hyunjin feel better, since jinsol must have told her girlfriend how conflicted and confused hyunjin had been feeling since that night. but still, even if what jungeun’s saying is not the entire truth, it makes hyunjin heart warm a little, and fills the cold she’s been feeling in heejin’s absence. 

“seems like everyone but me can see how much heejin adores me.” she mutters, staring down at the contents of her drink. hyunjin had been blind to her own feelings for weeks before she finally figured it out, that she was  _ actually _ in love with heejin, she just never thought she could be blind to someone else’s. to her, heejin was an open book, she wore her heart on her sleeve, if this really is true (and hyunjin’s stomach flips not unpleasantly at the thought), how the hell had hyunjin missed all the signs? 

********  
  


*****

********  
  


hyunjin is not drunk. which is surprising actually, considering she’s managed to finish two of whatever hellish things jinsol had made her. jinsol’s on her fifth already, and by the looks of things, she’s not planning on stopping anytime soon. she’s draped over jungeun’s side as they shamelessly dance together in the middle of jiwoo’s living room. they’re in their own world, drunk and in love, and honestly it’s giving hyunjin that nauseous feeling again, but she’ll blame that on the alcohol. 

she’s not even sure what time it is anymore, from trying her best to make sure jinsol doesn’t make a complete fool of herself (thought she has jungeun to look after her) to being introduced to a few new friends of jinsol’s (and heejin’s), hyunjin’s almost certain it has to be drawing closer to midnight by now.

truthfully, she’d like to say she hasn’t been thinking about a certain girl that much this evening, but with the way her heart skips a beat and her mouth turns dry at the sight of the other girl across the room, seeing her for the first time since last night, even hyunjin herself knows that’s a lie.

hyunjin thinks of those scenes in the romance movies she so vocally proclaims to hate, where one love interest will see the other across the room and everything freezes, nothing else matters.

except that’s exactly what’s happening now, for her at least. 

she looks beautiful, of course she does. her hair is down past her shoulders, with little waves that hyunjin remembers telling heejin were her favourite, and a dress that she’s pretty sure she told heejin to buy not too long ago. maybe if hyunjin had relished in how the girl looked a few seconds longer, she wouldn’t have noticed what exactly heejin was smiling at.

because yep, there’s some guy blatantly flirting with heejin, and heejin doesn’t exactly look like she minds. hyunjin doesn’t know if it’s just the humidity of the room making her dizzy, or her own wishful thinking, but she swears she keeps seeing the other girl glancing round the guy’s figure to find hyunjin. 

whoever this dude is, he’s bold, because now he’s running a hand up and down heejin’s arm, and hyunjin can do nothing but stand there and clench her jaw. 

jinsol, who’s now stood beside her, catches on, and nudges her gently. “hey, you okay?”

“never better.” hyunjin replies sarcastically. she looks down at her drink, sees it’s still half full and thinks fuck it. she downs it like jinsol had earlier, in one long gulp, before setting it down on a table nearby. hyunjin feels the liquid burn down her throat, and waits for it to work it’s magic. she sees heejin squirm out of the guy’s touch, and put a little bit of distance between the two of them. maybe she has a thing for self torture, because she’s still looking at heejin, and try as she might, hyunjin just can’t seem to pull her eyes away. 

her attention is brought away from the other girl when jiwoo turns the television on and claps her hands excitedly. everyone turns in the same direction when they see the announcer on screen letting viewers know there’s five minutes left before midnight. 

hyunjin can’t help but feel a little deflated, because in her head, the plan was to sort things out with heejin before the new year started. and now this year’s almost over, and all hyunjin has managed to do get a little tipsy and shoot daggers at the guy who’s so desperate for heejin’s attention. she’s never been good with jealousy. that should be  _ her _ heejin is talking to, that should be  _ her _ who gets to spend so much time by heejin’s side, hyunjin should be the one affectionately touching heejin. 

on the bright side, hyunjin notes, heejin doesn’t look too impressed with his advances.

her gaze is pulled away from heejin once again when jungeun comes crashing into hyunjin and jinsol, situating herself between them and wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders.

her words are only a little slurred when she says, “ready for the new year, ladies?” 

jinsol smiles, goofy and bright, then kisses jungeun sloppily on her cheek.

“bring it on!” she practically shouts, lifting her cup into the air. 

hyunjin just tries to smile back, sees jungeun’s eyes search the room and find what she’s looking for, before she turns back to hyunjin with an apologetic look. perhaps hyunjin wasn’t the only one who thought things between her and heejin would’ve been fine again by now. 

the woman on screen is telling them there’s only a minute left, and hyunjin hears the excited cheers and exclamations throughout the room as everyone prepares themselves.

everyone seems to be coupling up, and hyunjin’s almost never felt this lonely before. at least jungeun’s arm is still tight around her shoulder, that way she doesn’t look as completely alone as she feels. 

she chances one last glance over to heejin, hyunjin wants her face to be the last thing she sees in this year and the first thing she sees in the next (cheesy, she knows). 

except as she does so, hyunjin feels the bile rise up from her stomach and her knees almost buckle beneath her.

because this guy, whoever the fuck he thinks he is, is bending down to match heejin’s height, cupping her face and leaning in to connect their lips.  _ the countdown hasn’t even started yet, what the hell is he doing?!  _ and how the hell is this happening again? hasn’t hyunjin been tortured enough by seeing the love of her life kiss other people. it almost feels like she’s suffocating, because hyunjin can’t go through this, not again.

before their lips can meet, hyunjin sees heejin push the guy away, hitting him hard with both hands to the chest. she’s saying something to him not so kindly with an angered expression on her face. if anything happens beyond that, hyunjin’s unaware, because she’s already pushing through the crowd, for the second time on this damn ‘vacation’, and making her way outside. 

her whole body is shaking, her hands clenching and unclenching, and her ears might be ringing, but hyunjin still hears the chorus of ‘happy new years’ that echo through the house. and once outdoors, shattering hyunjin’s dreams of some silence, she’s met with the bombardment of fireworks exploding above. 

_ happy fucking new year.  _

********  
  


*****

********  
  


the relief hyunjin hopes some fresh air will bring doesn’t come. it feels like the air is polluted, the smoke from the fireworks above settling down and suffocating hyunjin. there’s a few others outside, hyunjin expected that much, so she makes her way to the far edge of jiwoo’s garden, and leans herself against it’s fence. 

she has her eyes closed, but all she can seem to see behind her lids is heejin’s face, the look when she was searching the crowd for someone, the disgust when that guy had tried to kiss her. she tries to stop herself, but hyunjin’s mind won’t halt when it wanders back to that night, and the scene that plays before her now is the pleased look on heejin’s face when she’d finally pulled her lips away from hyunjin’s own.

god, she’s giving herself a headache.

it’s only when she hears the scuffle of feet against gravel and short, heavy breaths, that she realises she isn’t alone anymore. 

it’s heejin. because who else would it be. she’s standing not too far from hyunjin, looking flustered and a little out of breath. she still looks ethereal, hyunjin thinks. 

“hey,” heejin starts, her voice shaky, “can we talk?” 

“about?”

“us.”

“you really wanna do that again?” hyunjin questions, “after what happened last time?”

hyunjin’s not sure why she’s being so cold towards the other girl, but she’s still reeling from her jealousy, and though heejin hasn’t exactly done anything wrong, hyunjin’s finding it hard to be as understanding as she’d like. 

heejin just takes a step closer to where hyunjin is leaning and says, “i’m hoping this time will go a little differently.” 

hyunjin gives her a knowing nod and tries a smile, she can agree with that one at least. if heejin notices how nervous hyunjin is to have the other girl close to her again, she doesn’t show it. she’s kicking some stones beneath her feet, back and forth, as a silence falls between them. 

heejin sighs, long and wistful. “this isn’t exactly how i planned for us to spend new years.” 

“yeah well, me neither.” hyunjin mutters. 

heejin moves towards hyunjin, and her breath almost hitches, except all she does is lean against the fence next to where hyunjin is. hyunjin fascinates herself with the fireworks still going off above, watching them light and then fall from the sky. if she just keeps her focus on this, maybe her brain won’t short circuit at heejin’s next words. 

“i want to say something,” heejin spits out quickly, like she’s been holding those words down forever. “ _ need _ , i need to say something. because if i don’t i think i’ll drive myself crazy.” 

heejin’s voice is just as smooth as always, but hyunjin can detect a sense of panic in there, like she’s rushing to get her words out before it’s too late. 

“i care about you hyunjin, so much. and it frustrates me that you don’t know that.” 

hyunjin looks at her, she’s about to protest but heejin doesn’t give her the chance before she continues. 

“don’t say you know, because if the past couple of days have anything to show it’s that you really underestimate how i feel about you. and i don’t know if that’s my fault for not expressing myself properly or your fault for just being so damn blind,” she chuckles, thought it’s more sad than happy, and leans her head back against the fence. “i would just really like for things to be clear between us.” 

in all the time hyunjin has known heejin, she’s never seen the other girl be this bold, except maybe that night when she kissed her. and if that’s anything to go by, hyunjin’s stomach flips at the possibility of where this might be going. 

“okay,” hyunjin breathes out, “yeah. i’d like that too.” 

“well, good.” heejin sighs. she’s fiddling with the sleeves of her jacket, and hyunjin glances over to see that look she gets on her face when she’s concentrating really hard on something. she takes one more deep breath, filling her lungs with oxygen, before she starts up again.

“so here’s the thing,” heejin begins, “the way you make me feel, when i’m around you, when i’m thinking of you, hell, even when we’re arguing, they’re things i could’ve only imagined a couple of months ago. it’s so intense hyunjin, that at first it scared the shit out of me, but then i got used to it. it just became a part of me, you know? like, i’m heejin, and this is how i feel. it’s only been recently, being here, that i couldn’t handle it anymore. it was driving me crazy. you have to believe me when i say i was so scared today, thinking that i could’ve lost you over something like that. and i refuse to start the new year knowing you’re not okay with me.”

hyunjin lets that sink in for a little while, god heejin always has had such a beautiful way with words. hyunjin’s almost mesmerized by it. but then she just can’t help herself when she throws a spanner in heejin’s works. 

“it’s the new year already, heejin.” surely it’s gotta be at least 12:10am by now.

“not in our little world it isn’t.” 

hyunjin looks up to see heejin holding up her phone, the screen illuminated in front of her to read ‘11:58pm 31st December 2018’.  

“you changed it?” hyunjin gasps out in disbelief. 

heejin just nods, looking a little shy, “when i came looking for you, yeah. i just knew i couldn’t bring in the new year like this, hyun. not with things like this between us. so i moved it back 10 minutes.” 

“why?”

“why?” heejin echos back, “why do you even need to ask that? you think it doesn’t hurt like hell to know i’m the reason my best friend is hurting? you think it doesn’t kill me to know the girl i’m in love with is mad at me?”

now hold on a damn minute.

“the...what?” hyunjin struggles to choke out.  _ what was that? _

“umm…” heejin’s eyes are wide, her mouth almost forming a perfect O shape as she stares at her. and hyunjin’s just starting right back. they’re frozen, and hyunjin’s too scared to be the first one to move. 

thankfully, heejin breaks first. 

“fine, yes, okay. i’m in love with you.” heejin breathes, pushing herself off the fence and moving around nervously, “that was a lot easier to say than i would’ve thought.” 

“you’re...in love with me?” 

“yes hyunjin.” 

“in love?”

“mhm.” 

“with me?”

“correct.”

hyunjin’s pretty impressed with herself for not passing out already. she’s even more impressed that she hasn’t actually broken down into tears yet either. she takes in the severity of heejin’s words, tries to say them aloud again before she chokes up. and then she;s laughing, actually laughing, and heejin is looking at her strangely.

“we’re so fucking dumb.” is what she finally manages to come out with. 

heejin’s still staring at her, with a surprised look that shows that was definitely not one of the first things she thought hyunjin would say. but still, it’s also exactly something hyunjin would say. “you got that right.” she laughs back.

“wait,” heejin throws out, suddenly panicked, “you feel the same way, right? because if you don’t, man have i seriously misread this whole situation.”

“shut up.” hyunjin laughs, her first sincere laugh since what feels like forever. she could gush to heejin about her feelings right now, tell her she’s been in love with her since the second week after they’d met, they her she’s the only thing hyunjin has thought about the last few days, and she too, has been driving hyunjin crazy. she doesn’t though, she can save all that for later. 

“i’m gonna need you to say it.” heejin speaks again. 

“i do.” hyunjin says, she can hardly fight the smile that’s breaking her cheeks, “i feel the same.”

“okay,” heejin breathes out, it’s the most relieved hyunjin has ever seen her, as she takes a step closer to the other girl, “then would you just fucking kiss me.” 

hyunjin needs no more invitation than that, as she allows herself one final breath before pulling heejin in eagerly by the neck. she hears heejin let out a surprised gasp, and can’t help the smirk that grows on her lips as they meet heejin’s. 

the fireworks around them might be dying down, but the ones inside hyunjin have never been more alive. she feels heejin snake an arm around her waist to tug her closer as hyunjin directs the other girl backwards until her back connects once again with the fence behind them. heejin can’t suppress the satisfied groan that escapes her lips, and hyunjin shivers as she feels it vibrate against her own. it’s fast and emotion driven, like both girls don’t have the patience anymore for their own cautious behaviour. they’ve waited too long for this moment to finally come. after so long, hyunjin wants to explore all of heejin, and she wants to do it now.

they’ve done this before, the kissing, hyunjin knows this, but the intensity she feels this time around is unmatched and everything is almost too overpowering. from the heat of heejin’s body pressed against her own to the feeling of heejin’s delicate face cupped in her hands, hyunjin’s senses are tingling. she’s gotten used to the movement of heejin’s lips in sync with hers, revelling in it way too much, when heejin pulls herself away, panting. 

“why am i always the one initiating these kisses?”  she ponders, faking annoyance. 

hyunjin smirks at the girl in front of her, “technically, i kissed you this time.”

“hmmm,” heejin hums, “but would you have if i hadn’t asked?”

hyunjin drops her head, leaning her forehead against heejin’s with a guilty smile. “that, is a good question.”

heejin laughs, and hyunjin doesn’t want to be one of  _ those _ people, but it’s like music to her ears. she sees heejin run her tongue along her bottom lip, and gulps at the sight. she’s only thinking aloud when she asks heejin, “why exactly did we stop kissing?” 

“oxygen.” 

hyunjin simply hums, nodding her head. but she’s dipping down again to meet heejin’s height, and heejin playfully rolls her eyes when she sees hyunjin’s advances. hyunjin closes her eyes, moves her hands to both of heejin’s hips, and then they’re kissing again. this time it’s slow and gentle, soft short kisses that leave hyunjin wanting more. if there’s other people around them, she can’t tell. she can hear the pumping of blood in her ears, feel the beating of her heart like it’s trying to break out of her chest, and now and again hear the content hums that escape heejin. and right now, that’s all that matters. 

she’s not sure how long they’ve been kissing before she’s the one who pulls away this time, opening her eyes to find heejin following her lips, like she doesn’t want this to end. 

the other girl’s trying not to frown when she asks hyunjin, “you wanna go back inside?”   
“actually,” hyunjin says, biting her lip, “can we just stay out here for a little while longer?”

heejin smiles at her, one of the biggest hyunjin has seen in awhile, and laces their fingers together between them. 

“of course.” heejin whispers. 

hyunjin pulls her closer, wrapping her arms around heejin’s small frame and tucking her head gently into the crook of her neck. she presses a kiss to heejin’s temple, and feels heejin smile, her cheeks rising up, against her. this is where she belongs, holding heejin like this. 

if hyunjin could stay like this forever, that would be ideal. having heejin in her arms like this, after the thought of losing this girl because of her own stupid mistakes, is surreal. hyunjin will never be able to get used to it, hyunjin thinks. she hopes she has the rest of her life to do so.

“heejin?” 

“mhm?”

“i love you.” and wow, doesn’t that feel like a whole weight has been lifted from her shoulders. 

heejin just snuggles closer, squeezing her arms tighter around hyunjin that in any other situation would have the girl complaining. she’s practically talking into hyunjin’s neck when she says in a soft voice, “i know.” 

and even though there’s noise all around them, you’d think hyunjin wouldn’t even be able to hear herself think, hyunjin hears it clear as day, the gentle ‘i love you too’ that follows. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! this is being posted way later than I expected, but hey, better late than never. so i'm sorry for the delay but yay it's finally completed.  
> for my first loona fic, i'd say I'm pretty satisfied with how this turned out, hopefully it meets your expectations too and you're happy with the outcome!  
> as always, kudos and any thoughts you have will be very much appreciated <3


End file.
